There’s a lot of “universal” advice out there.  The always-present everyone says don’t smoke, exercise more, eat your fruits and vegetables.

One piece of universal advice is to stop worrying, or at least reduce the level of worry in your life.  After all, we have plenty to worry about—Money, our children, our parents, our spouse’s happiness, a long list of problems at work, even the health of our pets.

Worrying, we are told, adds stress to our lives and focuses on the negative.  It keeps us awake at night, gives us ulcers and is bad for the economy.

I think that’s all a bunch of baloney.

Worrying is natural.  In moderation, worrying is good.  There’s something wrong with people who don’t worry enough!

In the big scheme of things, there are a few people who worry too much (some tiny percentage of the population).  They have intriguing phobias that become fodder for news stories.  This condition (worrying too much) is so rare that most people only learn about it from afternoon TV junk-talk shows.

There is much more of a problem with people who don’t worry enough. Think about this.  What’s your image of someone who doesn’t worry about what other people think, doesn’t worry about social norms, doesn’t worry about paying his bills or insuring his car, doesn’t worry about keeping himself clean or being responsible for his own actions?  The picture in my mind is a young person who is completely irresponsible, who has made a mess of his life and others and who has left it up to other people to fix his messes.

A handful of these people make it to adulthood without changing their ways.  Most, however, go through a long painful process of paying their debts, raising their children, having to work hard and becoming responsible adults.  At which point they find themselves worrying a normal amount—just like the rest of us.

Worrying is a fundamentally good behavior.                                                                                                                                         

As with any other behavior, there is a great benefit to be gained by:

1)      Examining the behavior

2)      Learning to control the behavior

3)      Focusing the behavior

4)      And integrating the behavior into our overall understanding of ourselves.

Thus, the behavior–worrying–becomes one more important piece of our success.

Let’s look at three aspects of worrying

–  What is worry?

–  How much worrying is right?

–  How can we focus our worry in order to reap its benefits?

By “worrying” we generally mean that we are thinking about something; the something is usually a problem that needs to be solved (e.g., “Where will be get the money to . . .”) or a concern about future events (e.g., the health of a loved one); our mind wanders back to the something whenever it has the opportunity; and we find ourselves thinking about the something when we don’t want to.

Thus we find ourselves worrying while we try to sleep or while we’re driving, but not when we’re engaged in a project that requires our full attention.  For example, work keeps our mind off our troubles.

Interestingly, most people “try not to worry.”  In practice this means we try to not think about our problems.  But our unconscious mind knows that the problem needs to be addressed.  So whenever our mind isn’t busy with something else, the thing we should be thinking about pops up to get its share of attention.

What are you trying to avoid addressing in your life?  Why is it that humans think some problems will go away if you ignore them?

Don’t think about the roof and it won’t leak.  Don’t think about your teenager’s risky behavior and it will stop.  Don’t think about your relationship problems and they’ll all smooth out.

Baloney!  You know it’s not true.

We have problems we want to avoid:  We know we should think about them but we don’t want to.  One way that we avoid thinking about problems we don’t want to think about “right now” is to spend time on a hobby or on busy work.

Have you ever noticed that our hobbies tend to be rather technical and detailed?  Whether it’s carving or needlework or gardening or making things or whatever.  Our hobbies fill our minds and are distractions.  This is good—in fact it’s extremely good for our mental health—unless we’re using it to avoid thinking about a problem that needs to be addressed.

Let’s face it, we have problems we embrace and we have problems we avoid.  Those we embrace are labeled “projects” and those we avoid are labeled “worry.”  The only substantive difference is whether we’re ready to address the problem.

Now we know what worry is.  How much worrying is the right amount?  That’s difficult to quantify.  I believe we need to think about the problems in our lives enough so that we understand them.  Notice I didn’t say that we need to “solve” the problems.  If a loved one is gravely sick, there’s little most of us can do to “fix the problem.”  We’re sad, perhaps depressed, maybe scared.  We have a flood of conflicting emotions that we “don’t have time for” or otherwise wish to avoid.

In such a circumstance, we need to force ourselves to sit down and think about what’s going on.  Let the emotions flood in; become overwhelmed; have a good cry; say a prayer; and then go back to our routine for awhile.

It may be necessary to do this every day for some time.  We need to let ourselves feel the feelings we’ve been trying to avoid.  We need to let all the aspects of this experience come out.  It’s difficult and physically draining.  But you need to let yourself experience what’s going on.

Some problems you can solve, but right now you don’t see the solution.  For example, financial problems.  Too many bills, or not enough income, or an unexpected expense.  It’s all too overwhelming, so we set it aside.  Intellectually, we know the problem will just get worse.  But it’s “just too much” to think about right now.

The answer, of course, is to consider all the pieces of this problem:  Your income, your regular bills, your credit, possible sources of loans or other income, payment plans, and so forth.  This is definitely a problem that can be solved.  It requires a lot of thought; it requires a plan of action; it requires some change in behavior; and it requires asking others for help.

These are just a few examples.  In each case the amount of “worry” (thinking about the problem) required is the same. You need to think about it enough to understand the problem.

Oddly enough, most of us spend more emotional energy avoiding our problems than we would spend understanding them if we tried.

Reducing Worry

You can reduce the amount of “worry” in your life by taking time to relax and simply reflect on what’s going on.  If you take time every day to sit down and relax and focus on yourself, you will find these problems a lot less overwhelming.

I try to sit down every day and reflect on four aspects of my life:

- Myself as an individual

- Myself as a father

- Myself as a friend

- Myself as a businessman.

I rarely make lists of what needs to be done or what problems need to be addressed.  I simply think about what’s going on and what I need to do today.  If there’s a problem in one of these areas, or with something else, I let my mind consider it.  I don’t look for solutions or answers.  I do try to consider all aspects of the problem.  The goal is to understand everything about the problem.  When I think I really understand the problem, then it becomes clearer what I need to do.

Worry brings benefits.  That sounds odd to us.  Let me rephrase it:  Spending time thinking about problems brings good things into our lives.

There are two types of “focusing” on problems.  The first is to open your mind and let the problems flood in.  Perhaps focus is the wrong term.  This is more like out-of-focus.  Sit down with a pencil and paper and relax.  Take a few deep breaths and try to clear your mind.  Think about nothing.  Focus on the way your breath feels moving in and out.

Relax.

If you have things to worry about, they will interrupt your relaxation.  As a “worry” presents itself, write down a brief note (not a long paragraph).  For example, you might write

-          College Savings

-          Business partner

-          Ad revenues

-          Etc.

Don’t pass judgment, don’t try to solve the problem, don’t get into details.  Just list your worries.  Set yourself a time a do this listing for ten or fifteen minutes each day for a week.  I guarantee that by day four you will be a lot less worried at night or when you’re concentrating on something else during the day.  Why?  Because your mind has been allowed to spend some time on the things it knows you should be thinking about!

The next step is to focus more clearly on your problems.  For the next several days spend your 10-15 minutes sitting comfortably and “organizing” your problems.  You may want to sort the list into categories such a family, finances, employees, etc.

Then spend a little time writing a bit of detail about each concern.  For example:

I’m worried about college savings for my kids because I’m starting late.  I wonder what college will really cost.  What’s my goal?  How do I get started?  Who can help me?  I need to talk to my spouse about this.

Set yourself a strict limit on this activity.  No more than 30 minutes a day!  You’ll be amazed!  It will give you energy.  Worry will stop draining your energy.  And as you focus on the problem you will naturally break it down into smaller pieces that are much more manageable.

This, in turn, will lead to taking actions that address the problem.  In other words, you’ll be working on a solution!  What you’ve done is to stop spending your energy trying not to worry.  Instead, you are spending a limited amount of energy focusing on issues that need some attention.

Instead of letting “worry” have an unscheduled, unlimited amount of your time, you have allowed a specific amount of time to be used improving your life!

Again, I guarantee that you will see a dramatic reduction in the amount of time spent on unscheduled worry during the day (and night).  Your mind knows that you need to spend time on these activities.  When you allot this time, your mind is more relaxed and it doesn’t need to force these thoughts upon you.

And, even better, when such thoughts pop into your mind now, they will be productive and bring solutions.  The process of focusing on a problem for a specific period and then setting it aside has tremendous power.  It organizes your unconscious mind, which works on possible solutions while you’re doing other things.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the solutions come forth into your conscious mind.

Problems never solve themselves:  You need to worry in a healthy way and you will find a solution.  Just as we have to focus on our happiness and our family and our health, we also need to focus on our problems.

You will never be without problems.  But you can be without excessive, unnecessary worry.  Allow yourself time to work on your problems and you’ll have a much more restful mind throughout the day.  Because you’re worrying enough—and not too much.

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.” – Benjamin Franklin

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I have discovered two situations in which I’m willing to open my wallet and say “Here.  Take whatever you want.”

The fist situation is Disneyland.  Mickey Mouse can have all the money he wants.  When we’re at Disneyland, I’m happy and relaxed.   My daughter is totally wired, bouncing off the walls, and hyperventilating with fun.  So, lunch is $29 for three people?  No problem.  $50 for a sweatshirt I’ll wear twice a year?  Sounds like a bargain.

And all this is after paying for hotel, airfare, and admission to the park.  Somehow, Disneyland sucks you in and makes you feel that everything is okay.  You’re happy, relaxed, energetic.  Your attitude is positive and troubles have a tough time getting your attention.

You might replace Disneyland with Maui or some other place.  But the idea’s the same.

The other time when I open my wallet freely is during times of stress or emergency.  Something bad has happened and I need to make the problem go away as soon as possible.  As a consultant I see this all the time.  When people have an urgent need, they are willing to pay more.  I can’t count how many times I’ve heard a client say “Is there any amount of money that will get this done faster?”

Perhaps the perfect example of this is shipping a package.  You might pay a low price for “ground” shipping, but a much higher price for 2nd-day.  Overnight is a lot more.  Overnight by 10AM?  Much much more.  I once witnessed a man pay $50 to have a dozen donuts shipped overnight to his mother.

So, when do we open our wallets?  At the extremes.  We are willing to spend money when we’re happy and content or when we’re overwhelmed and frustrated.  In both of these situations your spending habits will be less rational than normal:  You won’t shop prices and you won’t make good decisions.  And yet one of these situations is clearly preferable to the other.

We’d all rather open our wallets to Mickey Mouse than to the repairman.  Why?  Because we’re in control.  At Disneyland, we are making all the choices.  We’ve planned to be there.  We’ve made decisions and set aside some money.

In an emergency or stressful situation, of course, we feel that we’re not in control.  Even if we get to make all the decisions, we feel trapped–we feel like we don’t have “real” choices because we don’t have the choice of walking away and not dealing with the problem.

So, what can you do to improve your attitude, choices, and effectiveness during emergencies and times of stress?

First, spend more time in the happy and content state.

You’re first reaction is probably “Easier said than done.”  True, but you control a great deal about your attitude and your reaction to situations.  You can choose to avoid being overwhelmed and frustrated.

One of the great benefits of meditation is that you learn to take a few breaths and relax, calm yourself, and focus on what’s going on at this moment.

When I first started taking yoga classes, I had an instructor who finished the class with a relaxation exercise.  We would all lie on the floor, eyes closed.  And she would say “This place is always available to you.  Come here when you need to center yourself and relax.”  At first I thought she meant the yoga studio.  (I’m pretty slow sometimes.)

By “this place” she meant the place of relaxation.  But to have relaxation available to you on “short notice,” you have to practice.  Being able to take three breaths and relax yourself takes practice.  You need to do it every day when you’re not stressed out.  Get to know how it feels.  Be comfortable with that state.  Then you can call on it as needed.

Second, when emergencies (or other stressful situations) happen, remember to stay calm.  Stop and think about your resources.  One of the great causes of stress is the belief that “I don’t know what to do.”  In reality, we usually do know what to do but we’re too anxious to think straight right away.  Again:  Relax . . . Focus.

Third, don’t be too shy to ask for help.  Most of the time we don’t need help and we get out of the habit of asking for it.  When we do ask, we are pleasantly surprised at the great response we receive.  How many times have you seen people “come out of the woodwork” to help?  Friends, relatives, and even casual acquaintances are their for you to rely on.  You’re not alone!

Fourth, communicate.  In stressful situations, you need to divide people into two groups — those who are close to you and those who are not.  Chances are very good that those close to you will also be affected by the stressful situation.  Let them know what you’re thinking, engage them in solving the problem, and reassure them that you’ll get through it together.  “Others” will be less directly affected.  They may be more useful at accessing resources and giving a more balanced view of the problem.

As with anything else, you need to practice the skills of stress management before they are needed.  Practice relaxing and focusing.  Practice asking for help and communicating.

And spend more time at Disneyland!

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I’m sure you’ve read this quote before: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates said at his trial for heresy. He was on trial for encouraging his students to challenge  accepted beliefs of the time and think for themselves. The sentence was death or  Socrates had the option of suggesting an alternative punishment. He could have chosen life in prison or exile, and would likely have avoided death.   Socrates believed that these alternatives would rob him of the only thing that made life useful: Examining the world around him and discussing how to make the world a better place. Without his “examined life” there was no point in living. So he suggested that Athens reward him for his service to society. The result, of course, is that they had no alternative and were forced to vote for a punishment of death.  Luckily, we don’t have to choose between an examined life and death.   The sad thing is, most people avoid leading an examined life. It’s not that they don’t have time or make time. They actively avoid examining their lives.

People who do examine their lives, who think about where they’ve been, how they got here, and where they’re going, are much happier people. No one has all the answers and no one’s life is free from trouble and strife. Yet their are those who have some sense of where they belong in the universe also have a context for understanding how all the elements of their life fit together.

If there are two people, one with a map and one without a map, who has the better chance of reaching their destination? The one with the map, of course.

When you set aside time to examine your life,

You get to choose your destination; You get to set the goals;

You get to determine the path; You get to decide how long it will take;

You get to decide whether you’re on the right path or the wrong path.

In other words, you begin to know your self and to take control of your life. You decide who you want to be and begin to become the person you want to be.

The hardest thing about examining your life is getting started. You have to sit your butt in a chair and get used to not doing anything. Just relax. Focus. Well, you understand . . ..

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No one is surprised when they see that plants don’t grow straight. Plant a squash or a vine and see what it does. If you want it to grow straight, you’ll need to use tent stakes to staple it’s tentacles to the earth.

If fact, it’s almost laughable when you see what people do with trees and bushes. In the “wild” they’re wild. They have a beauty and spontaneity of their own. But under the skilled hands of humans they spend most of their lives staked down and roped into place. They look alike, similar, and uniform — and boring.

But somewhere along the road we get the idea that other things should grow in a straight line. The economy should go up and up and up. Better every year. Faster. Richer.

And when the inevitable slowdown or “crash” happens, we step back and tell each other that it had to happen eventually. You can’t go up forever. House prices can’t go up forever. Stock prices can’t go up forever. Profits can’t go up forever.

Businesses have good years and bad years. Things go up. Things go down. Sometime things even go sideways.

And what about we humans?

Well, we certainly don’t grow in a straight line either.

When you set a goal, you’re eager to go right to it. And we all know you need to focus on that goal and always be moving toward it. But then you find out that there’s a stumbling block or detour.

Very often it’s the case that we need to stop and go get some education. Learn how something works, or who the players are. And while this detour is necessary, we’re not very patient with it because it draws us “off course.”

The truth is, when you’re evolving as a person or a business, you’re only off course if you lose sight of the ultimate goal. Side tours and missteps are part of the process. You can never go in a straight line. The longer you live (or are in business), the more you believe this truth.

In my business we have a philosophy about major projects:
“Something’s going to go wrong. We don’t know what it is, but we’ll find it and fix it.”

Basically, our philosophy is that we’re going to be 100% successful. Why? Because we never lose the big plan.

As individuals we would do well to take the same approach. You might think you’re going to go down a perfect path to a perfect goal. But you won’t. You can’t. Life steps in . . . and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

We’re all going to grow in a twisting, turning, slanted way. Accepting that will help us to understand the path we’re on, and to forgive ourselves when we realize we’re not growing straight. Keep your “eyes on the prize” as they say and you’ll eventually grow to where you need to be. But don’t insist on a straight path or you’ll spend a lot of energy worrying about the path instead of the goal.

:-)

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I loved my father. And one of the things I loved the most was his sense of humor.

One time we were driving across country from our old home in North Dakota to our new home in Washington State. Alongside the freeway were telephone poles. Mile after mile. Hundreds of miles after hundreds of miles.

Whenever we drove alongside railroad tracks, there were short telephone poles. I don’t know if they were telegraph lines (this was the 1960’s) or whether the train companies just used short telephone poles because they didn’t have to deal with buildings.

It didn’t matter. My father had a great explanation. I asked why the telephone polls were short and my father immediately explained: “They’re for when children make phone calls.”

Even at the time I realized how very funny that is. In addition to being a great explanation, close enough to believable to get a kid thinking, it was also a fast answer. I appreciated my father’s quick wit.

And more than 40 years later I still think that’s funny.

We travelled 1100 miles. And I remember one joke plus coloring books in the back of a station wagon.

After all these years, the interesting conclusion is very unexpected. The conclusion is that you never really understand a transition until after it’s complete.

I have a few memories of visiting North Dakota, but no strong memories of when I lived there. Once we moved to Washington State I remember a lot — even a lot about our first year there. Somehow that trip was a big enough event that it became a transition from “too young to remember” to a series of memories I savor many years later.

How can you understand the road you’re travelling without reflection? The truth is, you can’t. At the same time, there isn’t any other road. You can’t stop being on “this” road and begin being on a different road. The most you can hope for is that you build the road in front of you and create your own detour.

You can be on any road you want. But you have to start from where you are today.

The good news is that you build your road every day and you can be lazy (going nowhere) or purposeful (heading where you want). In terms of meaning, it’s hard to force meaning into your daily journey. You can try, and you should try, but evaluation of such things always involves looking backward.

When I consider all the great memories of my father, I didn’t know at the time that those moments would be the moments I would keep forever. Looking back, just less than half of my life’s journey involved travelling the road of life with my father. And now they’re powerful snippets filled with meaning for me.

Changes can be hard. Transitions can be hard. Building a detour you didn’t want to build can be hard.

But every day you can look at where you are and where you want to go and head in that direction. Life goes on. Memories are powerful motivators. At the same time, you need to be vigilant. You never know which tiny thing you experience today will become a lasting memory you’ll have forever.

It helps to sit quietly and let you life’s experiences sort themselves out in your mind. For that I recommend daily reflection, or a walk/jog without headphones. Spend time being alone with yourself without an outside source of distraction.

:-)

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I received this in a recent email from Brian Tracy:

Calvin Coolidge, a president who was so reluctant to speak in public that he was given the nickname of “Silent Cal,” will go down in history for his simple but memorable words on success. He wrote, “Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

In other words . . . hang in there . . . stick to it . . . keep moving forward . . . Don’t give up.

Every successful person is persistent in pursuing a goal. Now that doesn’t mean that everyone who pursues a goal is going to be successful. But no one who gives up is successful.

Persistence is a necessary (but not sufficient) element for success.

These words really struck me because I’m a big believer in commitment. I don’t say I will do something until I’m ready to follow through. And I always try to project a time period that can be considered “giving it a fair shot.” In other words, if I try something new, I try to stick with it long enough to really see whether it will succeed or fail.

Many people say they’ll try something and then give up after one attempt. “I tried exercising but after a day my muscles were sore.” :-)

Persistence is one of the most difficult qualities to pursue. By definition it requires constant, relentless attention. How many times have I started an exercise regimen and then “something” happened and I got off my regimen? Recently I broke a toe. So five weeks later I’m getting back to walking. Still hurts. But I have to get back to it sometime!

When people are ready to give up they frequently say “I’ve tried everything” or “I tried so hard for so long.” But that’s usually not true. It feels that way, but it’s not true.

The normal pattern of effort for most things is a big push followed by a diminishing effort over time. So early on they put in a huge amount of effort – and they remember that. As their effort diminishes over time, they convince themselves that they are continuing to put out a high level of effort because they view their effort as cumulative.

Eventually they get to the point where they believe they’ve put out supreme effort “forever” when they’ve really put out almost no effort for a very long time.

Persistence means continuing to put out a higher level of effort. You may have heard the quote from Woody Allen: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” There’s a lot of truth to that. But it’s not just showing up, looking around, and leaving. It’s showing up and putting in the effort. It’s really showing up ready to work.

One key element that helps me with persistence is to try a mental reset: I try to view things as current projects rather than one more step in a process that’s been going on for years. I’ve made a commitment and today I’m going to follow through. NOT: I tied this albatross around my neck and now I have to work at it again until it kills me.

Persistence is another one of those muscles of success: you exercise it a little all the time and it becomes a habit that propels you forward.

:-)

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Set Yourself Up For Success
When It Comes to Feedback

 

Feedback without A Clear Personal Mission is Just Criticism

 

by Karl W. Palachuk

I’m not sure how “accepting feedback from others” became a trait that our society values and encourages.

Most of us have some very negative feelings around feedback. Even when we say we’re open to it, our first reaction is to be defensive. Our first reaction is to justify ourselves and explain why we are the way we are.

And when someone else says they want your feedback, aren’t you just a little worried about what the reaction will be when you give feedback? No. You’re a lot worried! :-)

So what’s the deal with feedback?

 

First, consider the difference between criticism and feedback. At some level, these are the same thing. We tend to put a negative connotation on criticism. But when you’re in the right frame of mind, criticism can be great feedback!

The difference on the part of the sender is whether they intend to be helpful or just point out faults. The difference on the part of the recipient is whether they’re in a frame of mind to listen and apply the feedback.

So the difference that matters is on the part of the recipient. You can get feedback from a lot of sources, including messages the sender doesn’t intend to send, like a smile or an eyebrow twitch.

 

Second, consider how feedback is processed. If you have a Vision or a Mission, then feedback can be extremely valuable. In fact, you will seek it out at every opportunity and implement it as quickly as possible.

If you’re working with a vision or mission, then you will have specific goals you’re working on. Feedback will allow you to fine-tune your work to maximize your goals. This is true in your personal life, your business life, your family life, etc.

If you’re working on a specific trait and someone gives you feedback, you will accept it even if it was not intended to be helpful. You’ve heard it said that your best advice can come from your enemies. That’s only true if you’re willing to listen.

If you don’t have a vision then feedback is useless. If I give you feedback on your golf swing but you’re not working on your golf swing, you won’t care.

If you hear feedback on parenting, but you don’t have a goal to be a better parent, then you won’t care.

The same is true of improving your professional skills, your community organizing skills, and every other aspect of your life.

 

Third, when receiving feedback, try to be open and not defensive. Keep your vision in mind. If the feedback speaks to a vision or goal you have, then be grateful and think about how you can integrate this feedback.

You might even make a point of writing down the feedback. That will make it easier to remember, and easy to work into your morning quiet time or meditation. When you sit down to consider your mission and your goals for various parts of your life, having this feedback available will give you a kick-start.

One of the biggest ways that we harm ourselves is by having an initial negative reaction to feedback. This is natural. We’re defensive because someone is focusing on what we can do better. We’re all more comfortable working on what other people can do better!

Having a “partner” helps a lot! For example, if you run, play tennis, swim, or do some other activity with a partner, you find that the two of you can give and receive advice very openly because you share a vision about what you want to achieve.

The same is true with other goals. If you give people at work permission to keep in line with regard to dieting, cleanliness, or some other goals, then you’ll be more open to feedback. And, once you demonstrate openness, they’ll be more likely to help you.

 

Fourth, when offering advice to others, keep their goals in mind. In fact, it is very helpful to put the two together. For example:

“I know you’re working on better communication skills. You seemed to be looking at the screen a lot more than the audience. More eye contact would help a lot.”

We don’t always know what other people’s goals are. That suggests that we should consider whether it’s useful to give them feedback at all. Just because you think I should be working on something doesn’t mean I am. So when I get unsolicited advice on how to improve myself, I might have a negative reaction.

 

With a clear sense of vision and mission, we can use feedback to help us achieve a greater integrity.   – Stephen Covey

 

In the big-big picture, there’s not much you can do for other people unless they’ve asked for your help. But there’s a lot you can do for yourself.

- Have a vision for your success

- Set specific goals

- Be open to feedback (or criticism), even if you didn’t specifically ask for it

- Pay more attention to the substance of the feedback than the intention. In other words, learn from your adversaries as well as your allies.

- Try to react positively to feedback

Good luck!

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There’s an old movie most people have never heard of called The Big Combo.

In this movie, “Mr. Brown” is a big hoodlum. His motto is “First is first and second is nothing.”

Mr. Brown expresses that motto again and again and again. Until the time he’s shot dead.

Sometimes, our culture beats into us that the only place that matters is First. And, truth be told, a disproportion of the rewards go to the top 1%, 3%, and 5%.

But how you get there matters a lot, too. Look at the Olympics. On one hand you have the Chinese, who are openly cheating in Gymnastics. Every medal they win will be tarnished. Every award will have an asterisk.*

On the other hand, you have thousands of athletes who have working to get to the Olympics for at least four years, don’t cheat, and do deserve to win. Almost all medalists will have true gold, silver, and bronze medals. They will be real winners and deserve the reward they receive.

There Are Three Primary Elements of Success

What is success? In the big picture, success consists of determining what you want to do and then getting that done.

The first primary element of success is to have goals. Of course.

Specific, written, definable, measurable goals that you share with other people so they can hold you accountable.

The second primary element of success is the process of working to achieve your goals. What’s the process? It’s everything you do that’s remotely related to working on your goal. It’s how you live your life. It’s how you interact with others. It’s who you are as a human being in pursuit of what you want.

The third primary element of success is achieving your goal. This is the “finish line” if you will. This is when you reach $100,000 in salary, or $1 million in sales, or $10 million in sales. Whatever the goal.

The most important thing about the first element, setting goals, is that you have to do it. More than 90% of the people you meet have never consciously set goals, written them down, figured out how to measure them, and shared them with others. That means you get to be in the top ten percent by simply setting goals!

It’s true.

The most important part of the third element, reaching your goal, is that it becomes far less important once you get there.

For most big goals (e.g., reaching a big money amount or raising a child safely to adulthood), you can see the goal line approaching. $1 Million looks a lot easier from $900,000 than it does from $100,000. Age 18 looks a lot easier when your kid is 16 years old than when she’s 16 months old.

As your approach your goal, there comes a time when you know you can do it. As a result, your mind and heart begin thinking about the next level.

And the second element of success — that’s the most important thing in your life.

The second element of success is how you live your life every single day. It involves your integrity, your discipline, your willingness to help others, your honestly.

It is who you are every day.

And if your goal will take ten or twenty years to accomplish, then the second element is who you are over the decades.

When you look back on what it took to achieve your goals, how many asterisks will there be? Who will you have to deceive, cheat, and abuse?

I absolutely believe that you don’t have to do any of those things to get ahead.

After all, you have the rest of your life. Take your time and do it the right way.

Your goals are intimately intertwined with who you are and who you will become. Respect that. Don’t take shortcuts and don’t treat other people poorly.

There’s an old saying:

Remember the people you meet on your way up the ladder of success.
You’ll meet the same people on your way down.

So, first might be first, but second isn’t nothing. How you get to be first matters a lot. And if you come in second with your soul intact, that’s important, too.

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* Cheater!

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Let me be very clear here: I’m not a doctor. I don’t play one on TV. I don’t hand out medical advice. I just find myself thinking about the world around me and I can’t help “thinking outloud” on the web.

I’ve heard the term “ADHD” — Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder — but I’m not entirely sure whether I believe it’s a disorder or just the far end of a normal distribution.

The concept of a “normal distribution” tells us that 68% of something is within one standard deviation of the mean. That means things are bunched up in the middle. The average person is average. The average IQ is average. The average ability to focus your attention on something is average.

95% of the population is within two standard deviations from the mean. and 99.7% of the population is within three standard deviations from the mean.

That means, if you’re outside the “norm” for any given trait or behavior, you don’t have to be very far outside to be very different from everyone else. I don’t know if that’s a disorder.

But if you’re a good notch or two different in a trait that affects lots of other things, then the way you process and interact with the rest of the world will also be different.

Not wrong. But different.

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Any trait that’s a bit out of the norm (on either end of the scale) can affect your ability to succeed, learn, get along with others, etc.

I’ve written before about Success and the “Monkey Mind.” Monkey mind is a term we use to describe a busy, fast mind. We have so many thoughts rushing in on us that we can’t straighten them all out.

I am blessed (and cursed) with a monkey mind. When I go for my walk in the morning, I almost always come back with an idea for a new book, a new business adventure, a solution to a problem, etc. The problem is: I have hundreds of ideas per day. When I filter them, I think maybe five are really good ideas. One might be a great business adventure.

But this happens every day. Most of these thoughts don’t contribute to anything. And I already own enough businesses. I’m constantly being tempted away from the business in front of me because the next great adventure seems so exciting.

This monkey mind makes it hard to concentrate, hard to pray, hard to meditate, hard to relax, hard to sleep. I need to shut my mind “off” sometimes in order to relax and actually get something accomplished.

In the real world, there are no bonus points for having lots of ideas, even good ideas.

As a result, people with very busy minds are often less “successful” than people with a more normally-paced minds.

At the other end of the spectrum are people whose minds are less busy than the norm. I’m not talking about people who are “slow” or mentally retarded. Just one or two standard deviations from the norm. They simply don’t have an onslaught of new ideas every day.

In many ways, they are more likely to find success because they are not distracted every day.

Remember, you don’t have to be very different from the great masses to seem very different.

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Here’s the thing about success: Whether you have too many new ideas, or not enough, the solution is the same.

To be successful, you need to put your time, effort, and energy into a few key behaviors.

First is Delay of Gratification

Second is Patience

Third is Activity — don’t procrastinate

Fourth is Focus. Focus like a laser beam on your goals.

The result of these behaviors is someone who gets up every day and works hard on the handful of things that really matter. They lead you to work very hard on the things that you know are successful. They keep you from being distracted by new adventures.

The starting place, whether you need to quiet your mind or focus your energy, is daily quiet time. Mornings are best because you focus your energy before you start your day.

So whether you’re smack dab in the middle, or a little bit different from the great masses, the starting place for success is the same: spend some time thinking about where you’re going and how you’re going to get there.

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Translating your personal mission into your daily life.

In earlier posts (December, January), we discussed values and principles. They are literally the foundation for your goals. From this base we built a vision or mission statement.

Here’s the hierarchy:

The obvious next question is, How do you translate your personal mission into your daily life?

In truth, all of your work so far has been theoretical. You hold certain values. You know this is more important than that. But it is rare for you to face a choice between high-level theoretical values (e.g., accountability, professionalism, or thoughtfulness).

So, let’s dig into the practical.

The next step is to identify the roles you play in your life. These might include spouse, parent, employer, employee, student, community member, community leader, and so forth.

Spend your morning Quiet Time identifying the most important roles you play in your life. Pick three to five. For most people, the temptation is to identify ten or twelve. And that might be useful. But for practical purposes, you need to identify the 3-5 most important roles you play.

You as an Individual

One choice you do not have is this: You must include the role of you individually, without regard to others. Most roles we play involve other people. You are a spouse to your spouse. You are an employee to your employer. You are a parent to your child.

And, again, most of the values we identify are related to our relationship with others (e.g., commitment, honesty, or service).

The result is that we tend to only consider ourselves in light of our relationship with others. Many positive traits come out of this. But it also has a drawback — we tend not to give ourselves the attention we deserve. We end up living for others, to the detriment of ourselves.

So one of your roles needs to be you as you.

Let’s work with the following example:
- You as self
- You as spouse
- You as employee
- You as community member

Once you’ve defined 3-5 primary roles for yourself, you’re ready to begin the work of setting goals for each of these roles.

Again, you need to dedicate a lot of morning quiet time to this process. Take it seriously. Don’t push it. You have the rest of your life.

Consider: What do you want to accomplish, personally (without regard to spouse, children, boss, parents, etc.)?
What do you want to accomplish personally?
What do you want to accomplish as a Spouse?
What do you want to accomplish as an Employee?
What do you want to accomplish as a Community Member?

For each of these, consider
- What are the long-term goals?
- What are the intermediate (1-3 year) goals?
- What are the short-term (0-12 months) goals?

And most important of all . . .
- What one thing can I do, in each area, to advance these goals today?

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Now here’s the bad news. Most people who read this will think it makes sense.

But they’re too busy. They don’t have the time. It’s not for them.

And most importantly — It looks like a lot of hard work.

You would think that Opportunity would be the most welcome guest in any house. But when he shows up wearing work clothes, most people won’t open the door to him.

There’s a lot of work here. True. But the rewards are phenomenal! Lasting personal happiness. A fulfilling family life. An enjoyable work environment.

It’s true. Once you focus your attention on the things that matter to you, you can’t help yourself. You will begin thinking differently. You’ll consider your actions more carefully. And you’ll start working toward your goals.

Good luck!

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