I am lucky to work with some wonderful people. Recently the work I do with a couple of different people has coincided with events in my personal life. And it has been a powerful experience.

Jenifer Landers (http://www.fullyexpressedcoaching.com/) is my life coach. She helps me with business and personal challenges. Because of all the changes going on in my life this year, she has talked to me about leaving space in my life for people and things to “show up.” For example, my daughter graduated from high school and will be going to college in the Fall. Yikes. That will leave a big space for me to fill.

Or, if you think about it, I don’t have to fill that space. I could just leave it open for awhile to see which opportunities arise.

Another wonderful person I work with is Kelli Wilson. Kelli recently published a book: The Clutter Breakthrough (See her blog). In this very powerful book, Kelli does NOT go through a “plan” to clean up the clutter. Instead, she looks at the root causes of clutter. Her argument is that people have painful experiences in their lives, and they fill up their lives with something in order to avoid the pain.

Some people fill these spaces with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, or any number of other things. The goal is not about the alcohol (etc.), but about coping mechanisms that keep them from having to experience the pain or the emptiness.

Analogy: Nerves

There’s a great medical device called a TENS unit. TENS stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. A TENS unit operates from a 9-volt battery. It creates tiny electrical impulses and has pads that are attached to your skin. For example, if you have muscle spasms in your back, a doctor might use a tens unit to block the pain.

The electrodes are taped to the body near where the pain is.

Inside your body there are large nerve fibers and small nerve fibers. Of course these nerves carry pain signals. Well, actually, only the small nerve fibers carry pain. The TENS unit sends tiny electrical impulses down the nerve fibers. It floods the nerve fibers with these harmless impulses. Once the nerves are “filled” with these harmless electrical impulses, the pain signals cannot travel through the nerves.

This is a great analogy for thinking out the spaces in your life. Space might left because of a true loss: A death, a divorce, the loss of a job, or having a child leave home. Similarly, if you have a space that’s filled with pain, you need a mechanism to either stop the pain or at least take your mind off the pain.

And so the coping mechanisms we develop help us to 1) Fill empty space in our lives, and 2) Avoid dealing with the painful spaces in our lives that we’d rather not address. Just as a TENS unit fills the nerves with electrical impulses that keep the pain from getting through, we can use a variety of behaviors to fill our lives with *something* that’s better than the nothing or the pain.

Whether the space is empty (for example, loneliness) or filled with pain, “coping mechanism” are always a short-term solution. Coping mechanism might help you get by today and tomorrow. But longer term, you need to find more permanent solutions.

In the case of pain, the most important goal is to stop the cause of the pain. In terms of emotional pain, the cause is probably YOU and not whatever you think the cause it. Yes, the original cause of the pain was very real. But the ongoing cause of the pain is probably your willingness to continue dwelling on it. Counseling, prayer, and meditation can help you understand the pain and diminish it over time.

But you need to be aware that that process will leave a space where your “old friend” pain used to be.

In the case of loss or loneliness, you will also have an empty space.

No matter how this empty space comes about, you need to find healthy ways to fill that space. But I really encourage you to take some time filling the space. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to leave spaces in your life and not give in to the urge to fill them with “stuff” (physical stuff, activities, hobbies, bad habits, etc.).

Daily quiet time can be an extremely powerful tool to help you with this process. Whether you use it for meditation, prayer, or some other means of being away and clearing your mind, the very fact that you spend time considering your life will help you to work on the spaces in your life.

You may legitimately decide that you want to take up a new hobby, buy some clothes, or do whatever. But with daily contemplation about where your life is going, you will have a much healthier perspective for examining your options.

You may also find that you’ve managed to create a great deal more contentment than you had before.

:-)

No tags

Last week my daughter Victoria (age 17.9 years) embarked on an adventure. The plan was to spend three days in New York City just seeing the sights, then hop over to England and Scotland for a week. She has two weeks for Spring Break and this is her senior year.

We had plans for the first night and the last night in the UK, but nothing in between. We had Britrail passes and tube passes, so we were set to just go. Our plan was to wake up every day and figure out what to do that day.

In this modern era it is very easy to hop on the internet and find a hotel at a good price on short notice.

Note: This approach takes a certain willingness to believe that you will be okay and that things will work themselves out. I have been cultivating that spirit for some time.

Meditation helps, as does an actual commitment to being a low stress person.

I believe you can always choose how you will respond to your environment. Sometimes it’s easier than others. The more planning you have, the easier it is. But, as the saying goes, sometimes life gives you lemons and you have to make lemonade.

So here’s what happened to our vacation plans.

After three fun days in New York City, we went to the airport to catch an all-night flight to England and arrive at 8:30 AM. But my daughter could not get on the airplane because of a problem with her passport.

Stop. Vacation gone. Plane departing in two hours. Fix it or forget it.

At this point some people would add: Panic.

I was a little panicky, of course. But I decided a long time ago that I’m not the kind of person who blows up, yells and screams, abuses the person behind the counter, etc. I tried to stay calm, gathered the information I could.

It quickly became clear that I could not solve this tonight and we were going to miss the plane. Period. Nothing we could do about that. We could contact the passport office in New York or Connecticut. Quick phone call. NY was a seven day wait. No good. Connecticut might get us in within 8 business hours in an emergency. And might get a new passport within 8 business hours. But that means 1-2 more days in NYC with 1-2 days sitting around a government office, just so we could spend a day flying to England to continue the vacation.

We decided to do England another time. The next question was: Do we go home or reboot the vacation?

Important factor: My daughter only gets one spring break her senior year in high school.

So where do you want to go? The entire East Coast is at your disposal. Or we could rent a car and drive home, seeing the sights. Or take trains and see America. Or whatever.

We decided to catch the next flight to Florida and spend time in the sun. Went online and booked one-way airfare. Cheap, even at the last minute. Thank goodness for the Internet.

Total elapsed time since vacation destroyed: about 60 minutes.

Was I happy about the situation? No. But I had decided to NOT panic, NOT make it a disaster, and NOT focus on what I can’t control.

Yes, it will cost a lot of money. But we can use those Britrail passes another time. And we had almost no other out of pocket expenses except airfare. Called the airline and cancelled. They’re rebating a good portion of what we paid.

And here’s the key: We can’t control what we can’t control!

The mindset of not wasting energy on things you can’t control is a mindset that you can practice. You can create that approach to life.

The mindset of creating lemonade when life gives you lemons is a mindset that you can practice.

You get to choose how you will respond to the world.

I hope that my daughter will love the new vacation we are creating and that she will always take the attitude of slowing down and looking on the positive side when things go wrong.

“Stuff” happens in life. You can make yourself miserable and dive into the well of dispair, or you can pick up the lemons and start making lemonade.

Daily quiet time, meditation, and prayer go a long way to making this possible.

Status Report: We just finished three days in Orlando. We’re working our way through the Disney parks. On Sunday we’re heading to Church (It’s Easter) and then off to Daytona Beach. We got a nice hotel ON the beach for $46/night. Thank goodness for the Internet.

We’ll head home when we had planned. It won’t be the vacation we planned, but it’s been a Great vacation and a great adventure so far.

:-)

No tags

I received this in a recent email from Brian Tracy:

Calvin Coolidge, a president who was so reluctant to speak in public that he was given the nickname of “Silent Cal,” will go down in history for his simple but memorable words on success. He wrote, “Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

In other words . . . hang in there . . . stick to it . . . keep moving forward . . . Don’t give up.

Every successful person is persistent in pursuing a goal. Now that doesn’t mean that everyone who pursues a goal is going to be successful. But no one who gives up is successful.

Persistence is a necessary (but not sufficient) element for success.

These words really struck me because I’m a big believer in commitment. I don’t say I will do something until I’m ready to follow through. And I always try to project a time period that can be considered “giving it a fair shot.” In other words, if I try something new, I try to stick with it long enough to really see whether it will succeed or fail.

Many people say they’ll try something and then give up after one attempt. “I tried exercising but after a day my muscles were sore.” :-)

Persistence is one of the most difficult qualities to pursue. By definition it requires constant, relentless attention. How many times have I started an exercise regimen and then “something” happened and I got off my regimen? Recently I broke a toe. So five weeks later I’m getting back to walking. Still hurts. But I have to get back to it sometime!

When people are ready to give up they frequently say “I’ve tried everything” or “I tried so hard for so long.” But that’s usually not true. It feels that way, but it’s not true.

The normal pattern of effort for most things is a big push followed by a diminishing effort over time. So early on they put in a huge amount of effort – and they remember that. As their effort diminishes over time, they convince themselves that they are continuing to put out a high level of effort because they view their effort as cumulative.

Eventually they get to the point where they believe they’ve put out supreme effort “forever” when they’ve really put out almost no effort for a very long time.

Persistence means continuing to put out a higher level of effort. You may have heard the quote from Woody Allen: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” There’s a lot of truth to that. But it’s not just showing up, looking around, and leaving. It’s showing up and putting in the effort. It’s really showing up ready to work.

One key element that helps me with persistence is to try a mental reset: I try to view things as current projects rather than one more step in a process that’s been going on for years. I’ve made a commitment and today I’m going to follow through. NOT: I tied this albatross around my neck and now I have to work at it again until it kills me.

Persistence is another one of those muscles of success: you exercise it a little all the time and it becomes a habit that propels you forward.

:-)

No tags

Set Yourself Up For Success
When It Comes to Feedback

 

Feedback without A Clear Personal Mission is Just Criticism

 

by Karl W. Palachuk

I’m not sure how “accepting feedback from others” became a trait that our society values and encourages.

Most of us have some very negative feelings around feedback. Even when we say we’re open to it, our first reaction is to be defensive. Our first reaction is to justify ourselves and explain why we are the way we are.

And when someone else says they want your feedback, aren’t you just a little worried about what the reaction will be when you give feedback? No. You’re a lot worried! :-)

So what’s the deal with feedback?

 

First, consider the difference between criticism and feedback. At some level, these are the same thing. We tend to put a negative connotation on criticism. But when you’re in the right frame of mind, criticism can be great feedback!

The difference on the part of the sender is whether they intend to be helpful or just point out faults. The difference on the part of the recipient is whether they’re in a frame of mind to listen and apply the feedback.

So the difference that matters is on the part of the recipient. You can get feedback from a lot of sources, including messages the sender doesn’t intend to send, like a smile or an eyebrow twitch.

 

Second, consider how feedback is processed. If you have a Vision or a Mission, then feedback can be extremely valuable. In fact, you will seek it out at every opportunity and implement it as quickly as possible.

If you’re working with a vision or mission, then you will have specific goals you’re working on. Feedback will allow you to fine-tune your work to maximize your goals. This is true in your personal life, your business life, your family life, etc.

If you’re working on a specific trait and someone gives you feedback, you will accept it even if it was not intended to be helpful. You’ve heard it said that your best advice can come from your enemies. That’s only true if you’re willing to listen.

If you don’t have a vision then feedback is useless. If I give you feedback on your golf swing but you’re not working on your golf swing, you won’t care.

If you hear feedback on parenting, but you don’t have a goal to be a better parent, then you won’t care.

The same is true of improving your professional skills, your community organizing skills, and every other aspect of your life.

 

Third, when receiving feedback, try to be open and not defensive. Keep your vision in mind. If the feedback speaks to a vision or goal you have, then be grateful and think about how you can integrate this feedback.

You might even make a point of writing down the feedback. That will make it easier to remember, and easy to work into your morning quiet time or meditation. When you sit down to consider your mission and your goals for various parts of your life, having this feedback available will give you a kick-start.

One of the biggest ways that we harm ourselves is by having an initial negative reaction to feedback. This is natural. We’re defensive because someone is focusing on what we can do better. We’re all more comfortable working on what other people can do better!

Having a “partner” helps a lot! For example, if you run, play tennis, swim, or do some other activity with a partner, you find that the two of you can give and receive advice very openly because you share a vision about what you want to achieve.

The same is true with other goals. If you give people at work permission to keep in line with regard to dieting, cleanliness, or some other goals, then you’ll be more open to feedback. And, once you demonstrate openness, they’ll be more likely to help you.

 

Fourth, when offering advice to others, keep their goals in mind. In fact, it is very helpful to put the two together. For example:

“I know you’re working on better communication skills. You seemed to be looking at the screen a lot more than the audience. More eye contact would help a lot.”

We don’t always know what other people’s goals are. That suggests that we should consider whether it’s useful to give them feedback at all. Just because you think I should be working on something doesn’t mean I am. So when I get unsolicited advice on how to improve myself, I might have a negative reaction.

 

With a clear sense of vision and mission, we can use feedback to help us achieve a greater integrity.   – Stephen Covey

 

In the big-big picture, there’s not much you can do for other people unless they’ve asked for your help. But there’s a lot you can do for yourself.

- Have a vision for your success

- Set specific goals

- Be open to feedback (or criticism), even if you didn’t specifically ask for it

- Pay more attention to the substance of the feedback than the intention. In other words, learn from your adversaries as well as your allies.

- Try to react positively to feedback

Good luck!

No tags

Goal-Setting Part 2

I talked Last Time about developing a goal-setting strategy that you can maintain for the rest of your life.

Before you can do anything else on the path to success, you need to develop a habit of daily quiet time. It is literally the the first habit of success. It is first because it comes before everything else. It must be your habit so that all else can follow. It is first because it is the one habit that will drive all the other habits of success.

When you practice daily quiet time, you will take time for relax, to focus, to plan, and so forth. When you fall out of the practice of daily quiet time, you will fall out of practicing all of these other things. And on any day you can get back to practicing quiet time, you will get back to all the others.

What exactly is this quiet time?

Your quiet time might be prayer, or meditation, or just quietly contemplating your day. For some people it’s a daily jog or some time in the garden. Whatever you do, be sure that you find a place and a time to free yourself from other distractions. That means no headphones, no conversations. Just you and the quiet solitude of your thoughts.

For most of us, quiet time will be a simple 15-20 minutes spent in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes. Relax. Let your mind just wander.

Quiet time is most effective if you do it either after or before some period of exercise, reading, or other activity that you know is good for you. Together, this creates a nice little window to spend time thinking about you, your goals, and “the bigger picture” in your life.

Here are a few tips that might get you started:

• Pick a quiet place. Let others know that you need your time and space alone.
• If you have music, make it very gentle background music with no words.
• During quiet time, do not try to work on any projects. Just let your mind wander. This is where the great work is done!
• If you want to try meditation, start with a relaxation meditation.

The most important things are:

1) Do it.

2) Be patient with yourself. Our society puts very little value on quiet time, so your mind will be racing all over the place when you first start.

The Daily Agenda

If you can take an additional 10-15 minutes after your quiet time to think about your day, and how you expect it to go, that will be the real reward. This planning time will help you focus on what matters, identify the clutter in your daily life, and become the time for your goal-setting activities.

Get started today.

Be patient.

Enjoy!

No tags

I mentioned my annual retreat in my newsletter. Got several emails asking more about my annual retreat. So here’s the goods.

First, read this article:
Introduction to Retreats = http://www.relaxfocussucceed.com/Articles/2004010002.htm

—–

My annual retreat takes place at the local Passionist Retreat Center near Sacramento, CA. We gather on Friday, catch up with people we haven’t see in a year, and take stock of who’s not here.

The retreat officially begins with a meal. After the meal, we gather together and talk about the theme of this year’s retreat. There’s a little photocopied pamphlet with readings and information. After that meeting, we are “on retreat” and remain silent most of the time.

Most people find that, once they check in and the retreat begins, they feel compelled to go take a nap.

Really.

We hold in so much tension and so much nervous energy. We spend our time tending to others and serving our families and businesses, that we rarely have time to truly unplug. Just the psychological knowledge that there will be no phone calls, no email, no interruptions, no weeding, no dishes, and no errands is very powerful.

Here’s your agenda for the next three days:

Go to meetings (“conferences”) if you want to.

Pray if you want to.

Nap.

Spend time wandering the beautiful grounds.

Eat meals (someone else will do all the work).

Sleep at night.

To the extent that you wish to participate in the program, the retreat is “guided.” But if you choose to quietly do your own thing, that’s perfectly okay.

In the last year, my brother wandered all over Europe for six weeks. He came back with some revelations about changes he wanted to make in his life. Similarly, my wife went walking in the backwoods of Southern France for two weeks. She came back with a resolve to make changes for a better life.

I didn’t get two weeks or six weeks. But three days of quiet solitude is a very powerful tool.

My retreat is a time to start reviewing my year ahead. It helps that it’s near the year end/beginning. But you know, January First is just an artificial line. You can review the year ahead any day you want.

Now I’m back in the real world. A little more refreshed. But, to be honest, now I gotta do some Christmas shopping and take out the garbage.

It was good to get away.

No tags

Did you ever take a class in literature?

One of the things you learn about authors is that they need to go through a process of maturing and becoming the author we know and love. So, their early work is often very different from their later work. Their early work is a little forced. It’s often a variation on someone else’s work. Sometimes an author’s early work is so heavily inspired by someone else that the author is viewed as writing in the “school” of someone else.

When the author matures, all of this is different. At some point the author is said to have “found his voice.” Now the writing seems fresh and new and inspired. Chances are, the author’s writing will become consistent, and better over time. Eventually, the author’s “voice” is very strongly associated with him.

Business goes through a similar process.

At first, you might be copying others, inspired by others, and fishing around to figure out what you’re doing. But at some point you have enough experiences that you “find your voice” in business. It’s like a quickening. Everything comes together and takes on a life of its own.

When you find your voice, the processes all become easier. The rules make more sense, are easier to follow, and can be taught to others. Why? Because they have become your rules. You’re no longer parroting what others do and what you’ve been told is the right thing to do. Now it’s your thing.

Of course that doesn’t mean everything’s easy and perfect. You still have to go to work every day. You still have to work hard. But things are a little easier than they used to be. Motivation is easier. Things make more sense. And the speed of success increases.

The next obvious question is: can you make this quickening take place? Can you force it?

The answer is no. And yes.

At some level, all that goodness comes from experience. You can make life a lot easier by learning from books and avoiding from the “school of hard knocks.” But book learning will normally only get us an intellectual understanding. To truly know, understand, and internalize most things, we need experience. That’s why we can read about certain practices a hundred times before they sink in: We have to be ready for them to sink in.

On the positive side, you can certainly speed up the process.

How does a writer find his voice? He writes! He doesn’t play video games, watch thousands of hours of You-Tube videos, or spend all his time and energy on pointless activities. A writer writes and, as he works at his craft, he finds his voice.

And how do you find your business voice? You work on your business. You fall in love with it. You enjoy it and spend time working on it [not IN your business, but ON your business]. You work on the look, the feel, the philosophy, the taste, the smell, and the sounds of your business. You actively work to make it your own and to make it different.

This takes time. But the more you focus on it, the less time it takes.

No one is in a business with zero competition. Even if no one does exactly what you do, your client still has to make decisions about where to spend money. So, what makes your business different and special? What have you got others don’t have? And how do you deliver it in a way that others don’t?

What’s your business voice?

No tags

Here’s a reflection about the last 1%.

I’ve been working on several projects that culminate in the next few weeks.

I’ve written a new book and released it for purchase yesterday. I have a webinar today and another in two days. I have a seminar for it in three days. I have sales goals for the next quarter. And a business plan, and a marketing plan.

Luckily for me, I have a set of deadlines and events scheduled so that all of this will simply take place.

So much planning has gone into all this that it seems like all I have do is show up.

And some days just showing up is what you need to do. As the old one-liner goes: “Our success depends on your execution.”

I’ve written about the three focal points of success (see http://www.relaxfocussucceed.com/Articles/2004120001.htm). These are the ultimate goals, the short-term goals, and the present moment.

When you’ve battled 99 yards and you’re finally at the one yard line, it’s all about the present moment. It’s about doing this one thing in front of you as well as you can. And I don’t mean that you should just be there and go through the motions. Be there and do the best that you can!

The great danger is not that you’ll trip and fall and stumble, although that’s possible. The real danger is the next project. The real danger is that you’ll take your eyes off the ball and start playing the next game before this one’s over.

For example, I’m launching a new adventure in a month. We’ve hired our first employee, started building the web site, set up the credit card processing, and it’s becoming real. It also has a business plan and a marketing plan.

There’s a ton of work to be done on that front and it’s very easy to spend my time working on the “new” projects. But that means taking my focus off the current project. And if I do that, then I won’t do my best at the job in front of me at the moment.

Balance is critical in everything.

And sometimes the right balance is to put all of your energy on one thing for a period of time!

So I’m going to work hard to finish this last 1% before I throw my energy into new adventures.

No tags

One of the best things you can do, in many area of your life, is to be silent and take in the world. Here are three quick thoughts.

First, we all hear the advice over and over: You have two ears and one mouth, so you should do twice as much listening as talking. True enough. At work, at home, and with our children. Let the other person give you all the information they have so you can make better decisions.

Second, examine what truly successful people do. In high level meetings, the person who says the least is usually the decision maker. They observe the discussion and take in the advice. They know they can speak whenever they want to, but that’s not necessarily what’s needed from them.

Third, try some quiet time. Every morning, sit quietly by yourself and think about the day ahead.

If you love truth,
Be a lover of Silence.
Silence like the sunlight will illuminate you in God
And will deliver you from the phantoms of ignorance.
Silence will unite you to God…
  — Thomas Merton

So how do you get started? Here’s one article to get you pointed in the right direction: http://www.relaxfocussucceed.com/Articles/2004040001.htm

Enjoy.

No tags

You may have heard of the “Big Mac” index.  It’s a tool to help understand standards of living in other countries.  Since most people don’t know or care about Gross Domestic Product or monetary exchange rates.

The Big Mac index (BMI) is very simple:  How long do you have to work to earn enough money to buy a Big Mac?

In the U.S., a person earning minimum wage would have to work about twenty minutes to buy a Big Mac.  In many countries, the poorest people have to work days – or a week – to buy one.

You should do something similar in your personal & professional life, not with Big Macs, but with some other measure.

For example, you can easily convert to hours worked.  So when you think about items on your wish list, how many hours does each take?  Will a health club membership cost one hour of labor a month or two?  Is it worth it to join the club that costs three hours of labor?

Hours are not always a good measure.  Many of us work the old 40 hour week – or we’re on salary.  You may also have all that base pay “spoken for” in your budget.

Consider what unit of measure works for you.  Perhaps overtime hours, units sold, contracts signed, ______ agreed to…

The key is to find something – some measurable thing – that translates behavior you control into items on your wish list.

If you define your index properly, you’ll really be doing an automatic calculation between what you want and what you need to do to get there.

<b>The Value of Your Time</b>

It’s a sad thing, but most of us don’t put any real value on our own time. When we look at a simple job, we might say “I can do that myself.” So, rather than paying someone else to do it, we do it ourselves. In many cases, we don’t do the job as well as the professional AND it takes much longer.

In the meantime, we’ve wasted our personal time. We could be doing something we do well, something we do efficiently, and something that’s more useful and meaningful to us.

A perfect example of this is changing the oil in your car. My father, my uncles, my brothers, and I all grew up working on cars. I owned four cars before I had a drivers license. Once got fined for rebuilding an engine in my dorm room.

But I don’t change my own oil.

For me to change my oil, I have to go get the oil, have the tools, have work clothes, set aside the time, etc. It takes at least an hour on modern cars. And then I have to clean up. In total, it’s probably a two or three hour process.

Or I can pay someone $29.95.

And with that I’ll get all the fluids topped off, a safety inspection, and more.

So, unless I really like just tinkering with cars as a hobby, it makes no sense for me to change my own oil.

As you can see, the calculation of your BMI is easy with money. But it’s not as clear with non-monetary activities.

For example, how many minutes in the hot tub equals one oil change? Or time in the garden, or time with my wife? There’s no one index that works for everyone. And you may have more than one for your own life.

But the process of <b>thinking about</b> these trade-offs will help you be a little more balanced. And at the end of the day, that’s what we to work on: How balanced is your life and how much time do you commit to balance every day?

Does this activity contribute to balance or take away from it?

No tags