A timer may be useful.  Some kitchen timers have a single beep every five minutes.  That would be great for this exercise.  Each morning, find a quiet space.

It may be useful to make lists throughout the day so you can include things in your prayers.  Remember, there’s no “cheating” when it comes to prayer–any way you pray is the right way.

First, focus on Thanksgiving for fives minutes.  List the things you’re grateful for:  Family, friends, success, opportunities, your talents, inspiring people, and so forth.  List as many things as you can.  When you run out of things to list, sit quietly for the remainder of the five minutes.

Second, make Petitions for five minutes.  Ask for focus, for clarity in your goals.  Pray for people you know, for the souls of those who have passed on, for aunts and uncles and cousins.  Pray for people with whom you work.  Ask for the skills and the ambition to do your best in your work.  Again, when you run out of things to list, sit quietly for the remainder of the five minutes.

Third, sit quietly and Listen.  Close your eyes.  Take a few deep breaths.  Focus on your breath as you can feel it moving in and out.  Don’t focus on your thanksgivings or your petitions.  Don’t try to think.  If a thought or noise draws your attention, make note of it and bring your focus back to your breathing.  Do this for five minutes.

Then, find some quiet time in the evening and repeat this prayer activity.  It may be for a shorter period of time, but try to include all three pieces.  Repeat for 30 days.

Someone should write a book on training mice for kids. It’s simple. An 8 year old that can learn it.                                                      

For example, we can create a maze and put Miss Mouse at the entrance. Let’s say we want to teach her to always go right as the first move when entering a maze.  We’ll reward her when she goes right. If she goes left, there is no reward, we pick her up and start over.  Eventually we would expect Miss Mouse to always start out going to the right. That’s where the rewards are.

In the field of “Game Theory,” we can model learning without touching mice or spending money on cheese.  In the example above, we divide the mouse’s behavior into two categories: Go Right and Go Left.

Now let’s say that a basic store-bought, untrained mouse is equally likely to go left or right. So the probability left = 50% and the probability right = 50%.  Let’s also say that each reward will increase the probability of repeating the rewarded activate by 10%.

Here’s how the mouse learns: Chance of going right = 50%.

In this example we see that after 12 trips into the maze, the mouse is likely to go right 97% at the time! Notice also that the mouse went the wrong way five times and the right way seven times.

All you home psychologists should know that the reward must be given right away.

Notice that rewarding the behavior you want has a dramatic impact on future behavior.

Stop.

Highlight That.

Rewarding the behavior you want

has a dramatic impact on future behavior.

Reward and believe:

That was fun, but we’re spending too much money on cheese. We can’t give a reward every time. The next experiment would be to give a reward with every second correct move rather than every time.

The result is that learning is a bit slower, but still quite dramatic.  After seven correct turns, the mouse is likely to go right almost 75% of the time.

So, we know that rewards work. What about punishment? Since we don’t want to physically harm our mouse, let’s say we stick to psychological damage. We’ll reward every second correct choice, but this time we’ll also have a mild punishment for incorrect choices. For punishment we’ll play ten seconds at Jethro Tull at very high volume. Again, the punishment must be administered right away to be effective.

Because this is a mild punishment, let’s say the effect is to decrease the chance at going left by 10%.

We start out with chance Right = 50% and chance Left = 50%

As you can see, you don’t need to give a reward every time, but a combination of rewards and mild punishments is very effective. You can also summarize from the math that greater rewards and greater punishment would result in more dramatic changes and behavior.

Some Words of Caution
In our example we use a mild punishment. Strong punishments are generally to be avoided. In addition to electrocuting our mouse, we want to avoid instilling too much fear.

Punishment works by increasing fear. A punishment that is too strong can leave the subject (e.g. Miss Mouse) nervous about making a wrong move. This can result in slow, cautious, halting behavior. See the note on consistency below.

You must also be careful with rewards. Once a behavior is learned you can cut the rewards way back. Even sporadic rewards can maintain a well learned behavior.

We won’t go through the math necessary to demonstrate diminishing motivation, but you should know that the chances of correct behavior will decrease as the time between rewards increases. Dropping all rewards altogether will have no immediate effect. However,  over time even well-learned behaviors will drift back to the probabilities we saw in the untrained mouse. One big reward all at once has almost no effect. If we give Miss Mouse a huge chunk of cheese the first time she goes right, but no rewards after that, she’ll think she just stumbled on some cheese. Smaller, regular rewards are much more effective.

The most important factor in using rewards and punishments is consistency. Close behind that is timeliness.

If you give a reward or punishment it must be administered immediately after the behavior. Think about training your dog: Doggie brings you the newspaper, goes outside for no apparent reason, comes back inside, gets a drink of water, then lies down to take a nap.

If you then praise the dog for bringing you the newspaper, he won’t connect the two. He will think he is being praised for lying down. It’s my personal theory that this is the reason dogs spend so much time lying down–they’re trying to make you happy.

Timeliness and consistency go hand in hand. You want to reward (or punish) behavior right away to have the greatest impact. Timeliness connects the reward (or punishment) to the behavior. Consistency provides reinforcement. If a mouse is rewarded sometimes for going left and sometimes for going right, she won’t see a connection between behavior and reward. Even worse, if she is punished sometimes for a left turn and sometimes for a right turn, she will avoid both behaviors.

Let’s go back to the lab for an illustration. The classic example of arbitrary rewards is the pigeon who gets fed a food pellet at random intervals. If the pigeon happens to be cleaning his wing when this happens, he might try cleaning his wing again to see if there’s another reward. And if there just happens to be a reward at the time he is cleaning his wing, he thinks he has learned a connection.

The same happens for scratching the floor, nodding his head, etc. With no connection between behavior and rewards, the pigeon will “learn” things that result in reward. So, after a few days we have a pigeon who spends all his time scratching and squawking and strutting around trying to “learn” a reward. Inconsistent, arbitrary rewards create and encourage a pattern of behavior, but not necessarily the behavior you want.

There is also the classic pigeon example of arbitrary punishment. When researchers randomly administer punishments, pigeons “learn” to avoid various behaviors. So, over time, we have a bird that doesn’t clean, doesn’t scratch, doesn’t walk in circles, doesn’t walk in a line. Eventually, the bird stands in one place afraid to take any action at all.

Inconsistent, arbitrary punishments lead to a fear of doing anything. You actually train the pigeon to do nothing.

In general, I believe rewards are a better teaching tool than punishments. Based on a worst case scenario of inconsistent, powerful rewards, you will have a subject who is constantly trying to do what it takes to get the reward. This subject is highly motivated and easily trained in the correct behavior: as you adopt a consistent reward procedure (even with small rewards), the subject will learn the new behavior quickly. And as rewards disappear for the old, arbitrary behavior, the old habits will fade away.

The worst-care scenario for inconsistent, powerful punishments is a subject who is paralyzed by fear. Adopting a consistent policy of rewards and punishments is very difficult in this case. First, you have to teach the subject that it’s okay to do something. There you have to coax it to overcome specific fears in order to try the behaviors that will now be rewarded.

As you can imagine, the quickest way to overcome fear and train new behavior in this case is with timely, frequent rewards; rewards powerful enough to overcome fear of punishment.

Does all of this really translate to human beings? Remember the mantra “Rewarding the behavior you want has a dramatic impact on future behavior.”

People absolutely respond to reward and punishment. If you don’t believe me, raise a child!

I am over-educated. I have used a few simple rules for raising my daughter.
1) No physical punishment.
2) She knows what the rules are.
3) She is consistently punished for incorrect behavior.
4) She is consistently rewarded for good behavior

I’m not perfect and my daughter is not perfect,* but my daughter knows she’s loved and she’s very well behaved.  She never begs for toys or candy at the store. I never go through the routine of some parents who say “no-no-no-no-no” until they finally say “yes, but this is the last time.”

Children are extremely smart. They are all naturally lawyers. They want to pick apart your answer for clarity and consistency. They compare the current answer to all past similar behavior. They are willing to negotiate and compromise until they get something out of the deal. It is very difficult in change a policy without a good reason. If you show any weakness, they’ll take advantage of it.

Children are also delightful to work with because humans are intelligent enough that we can talk about punishments and rewards and create punishments and rewards through the use of speech.

For example, you can create rewards by agreeing that a hug is a reward, or staying up on extra five minutes, or helping to cook the soup, or putting a gold star on the calendar.

The same is true of punishments. Sitting on the floor for five minutes is a punishment. In fact, this may be the most consistently successful punishment we’ve ever used. My  daughter was told that this is a punishment and it became one.

Okay, but what about adults?
Adults have one major disadvantage: they have experienced a wide variety of rewards and punishments that are outside your relationship with them. Thus, they’ve learned about a world of rewards and punishments that is completely unknown to you.

Very often we adults are a jumbled mess of mixed-up, inconsistent motivations and fears. This is great for psychologists but makes team management difficult.  Adults also have some advantages: they tend to be motivated to do well and they have excellent reasoning ability.

This reasoning ability gives us the power to lay out reward systems without a lot of “trial and error.” We can also agree before-hand on rewards and punishments. And, best of all, rewards do not have to consist of instant gratification.

So, rather than having to instantly reward people as we see the correct behavior, we can agree on incentive programs, weekly meetings, and quarterly reports.

Here are some guidelines . . . But, don’t forget what we’ve learned:

Why rewards and punishment, don’t work.

If this is all so simple, why does it seem to not work in your business? Well, as with so many simple truths, we humans don’t have enough faith and we don’t follow the formula. We sabotage over own efforts.

In the Big Picture, a motivational program should work like this:
1) Set goals – short, intermediate, long.
2) Establish rewards and punishments
3) Evaluate performance
4) Administer rewards and punishments (consistently, fairly, honestly)

Repeat:
1) Revise goals periodically
2) Revise Rewards and Punishments periodically
3) Continue to Evaluate
4) Continue to administer

A simple 4-step process, repeated continuously. So why does it fail? It fails because we don’t do one or more of the steps. And 99% of the time, it’s the bosses fault. His excuse is usually “I don’t have enough time.” Goals are not set.

As a result, there is no structure for success. The manager doesn’t have time to tell people what she wants. So they do what they think they should do, whether its what the boss wants or not. In fact, the boss doesn’t even set her own goals.

Stop. Be your own boss for ten minutes.

What are three things you want to accomplish today?
What are three things you want to accomplish this week?

This Month?

Why don’t you take ten minutes every day to decide what’s important today?
Be honest, you do have time.

We . . . the vast majority of bosses and workers . . . don’t set goals. We don’t have a clear idea at what we’re going to do today that will help us advance toward the bigger goals.

Goal-setting should not be a huge scary task that requires retreat time or offsite meetings or long arguments.

Make a habit every day of jotting down your goals. Look at them everyday, and adjust them as needed. This ten-minute habit will change your life. It will bring focus.

The second reason motivational plans fail is lack of integrity. Bosses promise rewards and fail to deliver. Or they are inconsistent with rewards and punishments.

People learn very quickly and they remember negative experiences for a long time.

I have the great good fortune of seeing how different businesses operate. As a result I see motivational plans come and go. I also see successful reward structures that last for a long time.
Overwhelmingly, the lasting techniques are those that are:
1) Clearly understood by everyone.
2) Consistently followed–both rewards and punishments.
3) Perceived as fair.

I berate bosses for being stingy with rewards. Some bosses are even stingy with small rewards. Bosses are rarely stingy with punishments.  If you have a system of large rewards–such as $1000 bonuses or trips to Maui–you had better be prepared to pay up.

But don’t forget that small rewards can be even more powerful. Five weeks into the quarter, some people know they’re not going to win the trip. What’s their motivation?

With small rewards there is a flurry of activity around the rewards. People get regular feedback and compete to get their name in the “star performance” chart, or try to collect the most T-shirts, squeezy toys, pencils, or whatever.

Every day and every week they can see their success. And their success is visible to themselves and others. Finally, competitions evolve as people display these little rewards as measures of their success.

It is beyond my capacity to understand why a boss would be stingy in this process.  Remember that, as humans, we create a reward by agreeing that something is a reward. When we say, for example, that a company T-shirt is a reward, then it has become more than a T-shirt.

If someone meets the criteria, give him the T-shirt! Stinginess with a ten dollar piece of clothing can destroy your motivational program.

First, you lack integrity. If you’re not fair on this little thing, how can your employees trust you on larger things?

Second, you turn a “performer” into a disgruntled employee.

Third, this kind of stinginess will become widely known in very short order.

So you see, bosses can sabotage their own motivational programs when they are stingy.

These discussions of the behavioral sciences are not meant to replace a Bachelor’s Degree in psychology. I encourage you to learn more about rewards and punishments in the workplace.

As a worker, consider what motivates you and talk to your boss about it. But don’t start with $1000 reward and trips to Hawaii. Start with an examination of your daily and weekly activates. What would be an appropriate, small reward for reaching the next performance level each week?

If you’re a boss, consider the two or three basic “building blocks” of your success. What are the measures of your success? These could be increasing sales, productivity, or timeliness; or reducing mistakes, injuries, or sick days.

Find measurable indicators of your success. Begin measuring them and consider what kind of small rewards you can dole out each work for improved performance.

Then have the integrity to present the rewards as promised.

There are lots of good books on reward systems and building motivation in your workplace. You (workers and bosses) need to find a system that works for your job.

As usual, I encourage you to read lots of ideas on this topic and then come up with your own plan.

*Note: My daughter is perfect.

One piece of universal advice is to stop worrying, or at least reduce the level of worry in your life.  After all, we have plenty to worry about—Money, our children, our parents, our spouse’s happiness, a long list of problems at work, even the health of our pets.

Worrying, we are told, adds stress to our lives and focuses on the negative.  It keeps us awake at night, gives us ulcers and is bad for the economy.

I think that’s all a bunch of baloney.

Worrying is natural.  In moderation, worrying is good.  There’s something wrong with people who don’t worry enough!

In the big scheme of things, there are a few people who worry too much (some tiny percentage of the population).  They have intriguing phobias that become fodder for news stories.  This condition (worrying too much) is so rare that most people only learn about it from afternoon TV junk-talk shows.

There is much more of a problem with people who don’t worry enough. Think about this.  What’s your image of someone who doesn’t worry about what other people think, doesn’t worry about social norms, doesn’t worry about paying his bills or insuring his car, doesn’t worry about keeping himself clean or being responsible for his own actions?  The picture in my mind is a young person who is completely irresponsible, who has made a mess of his life and others and who has left it up to other people to fix his messes.

A handful of these people make it to adulthood without changing their ways.  Most, however, go through a long painful process of paying their debts, raising their children, having to work hard and becoming responsible adults.  At which point they find themselves worrying a normal amount—just like the rest of us.

Worrying is a fundamentally good behavior.                                                                                                                                         

As with any other behavior, there is a great benefit to be gained by:

1)      Examining the behavior

2)      Learning to control the behavior

3)      Focusing the behavior

4)      And integrating the behavior into our overall understanding of ourselves.

Thus, the behavior–worrying–becomes one more important piece of our success.

Let’s look at three aspects of worrying

–  What is worry?

–  How much worrying is right?

–  How can we focus our worry in order to reap its benefits?

By “worrying” we generally mean that we are thinking about something; the something is usually a problem that needs to be solved (e.g., “Where will be get the money to . . .”) or a concern about future events (e.g., the health of a loved one); our mind wanders back to the something whenever it has the opportunity; and we find ourselves thinking about the something when we don’t want to.

Thus we find ourselves worrying while we try to sleep or while we’re driving, but not when we’re engaged in a project that requires our full attention.  For example, work keeps our mind off our troubles.

Interestingly, most people “try not to worry.”  In practice this means we try to not think about our problems.  But our unconscious mind knows that the problem needs to be addressed.  So whenever our mind isn’t busy with something else, the thing we should be thinking about pops up to get its share of attention.

What are you trying to avoid addressing in your life?  Why is it that humans think some problems will go away if you ignore them?

Don’t think about the roof and it won’t leak.  Don’t think about your teenager’s risky behavior and it will stop.  Don’t think about your relationship problems and they’ll all smooth out.

Baloney!  You know it’s not true.

We have problems we want to avoid:  We know we should think about them but we don’t want to.  One way that we avoid thinking about problems we don’t want to think about “right now” is to spend time on a hobby or on busy work.

Have you ever noticed that our hobbies tend to be rather technical and detailed?  Whether it’s carving or needlework or gardening or making things or whatever.  Our hobbies fill our minds and are distractions.  This is good—in fact it’s extremely good for our mental health—unless we’re using it to avoid thinking about a problem that needs to be addressed.

Let’s face it, we have problems we embrace and we have problems we avoid.  Those we embrace are labeled “projects” and those we avoid are labeled “worry.”  The only substantive difference is whether we’re ready to address the problem.

Now we know what worry is.  How much worrying is the right amount?  That’s difficult to quantify.  I believe we need to think about the problems in our lives enough so that we understand them.  Notice I didn’t say that we need to “solve” the problems.  If a loved one is gravely sick, there’s little most of us can do to “fix the problem.”  We’re sad, perhaps depressed, maybe scared.  We have a flood of conflicting emotions that we “don’t have time for” or otherwise wish to avoid.

In such a circumstance, we need to force ourselves to sit down and think about what’s going on.  Let the emotions flood in; become overwhelmed; have a good cry; say a prayer; and then go back to our routine for awhile.

It may be necessary to do this every day for some time.  We need to let ourselves feel the feelings we’ve been trying to avoid.  We need to let all the aspects of this experience come out.  It’s difficult and physically draining.  But you need to let yourself experience what’s going on.

Some problems you can solve, but right now you don’t see the solution.  For example, financial problems.  Too many bills, or not enough income, or an unexpected expense.  It’s all too overwhelming, so we set it aside.  Intellectually, we know the problem will just get worse.  But it’s “just too much” to think about right now.

The answer, of course, is to consider all the pieces of this problem:  Your income, your regular bills, your credit, possible sources of loans or other income, payment plans, and so forth.  This is definitely a problem that can be solved.  It requires a lot of thought; it requires a plan of action; it requires some change in behavior; and it requires asking others for help.

These are just a few examples.  In each case the amount of “worry” (thinking about the problem) required is the same. You need to think about it enough to understand the problem.

Oddly enough, most of us spend more emotional energy avoiding our problems than we would spend understanding them if we tried.

Reducing Worry

You can reduce the amount of “worry” in your life by taking time to relax and simply reflect on what’s going on.  If you take time every day to sit down and relax and focus on yourself, you will find these problems a lot less overwhelming.

I try to sit down every day and reflect on four aspects of my life:

- Myself as an individual

- Myself as a father

- Myself as a friend

- Myself as a businessman.

I rarely make lists of what needs to be done or what problems need to be addressed.  I simply think about what’s going on and what I need to do today.  If there’s a problem in one of these areas, or with something else, I let my mind consider it.  I don’t look for solutions or answers.  I do try to consider all aspects of the problem.  The goal is to understand everything about the problem.  When I think I really understand the problem, then it becomes clearer what I need to do.

Worry brings benefits.  That sounds odd to us.  Let me rephrase it:  Spending time thinking about problems brings good things into our lives.

There are two types of “focusing” on problems.  The first is to open your mind and let the problems flood in.  Perhaps focus is the wrong term.  This is more like out-of-focus.  Sit down with a pencil and paper and relax.  Take a few deep breaths and try to clear your mind.  Think about nothing.  Focus on the way your breath feels moving in and out.

Relax.

If you have things to worry about, they will interrupt your relaxation.  As a “worry” presents itself, write down a brief note (not a long paragraph).  For example, you might write

-          College Savings

-          Business partner

-          Ad revenues

-          Etc.

Don’t pass judgment, don’t try to solve the problem, don’t get into details.  Just list your worries.  Set yourself a time a do this listing for ten or fifteen minutes each day for a week.  I guarantee that by day four you will be a lot less worried at night or when you’re concentrating on something else during the day.  Why?  Because your mind has been allowed to spend some time on the things it knows you should be thinking about!

The next step is to focus more clearly on your problems.  For the next several days spend your 10-15 minutes sitting comfortably and “organizing” your problems.  You may want to sort the list into categories such a family, finances, employees, etc.

Then spend a little time writing a bit of detail about each concern.  For example:

I’m worried about college savings for my kids because I’m starting late.  I wonder what college will really cost.  What’s my goal?  How do I get started?  Who can help me?  I need to talk to my spouse about this.

Set yourself a strict limit on this activity.  No more than 30 minutes a day!  You’ll be amazed!  It will give you energy.  Worry will stop draining your energy.  And as you focus on the problem you will naturally break it down into smaller pieces that are much more manageable.

This, in turn, will lead to taking actions that address the problem.  In other words, you’ll be working on a solution!  What you’ve done is to stop spending your energy trying not to worry.  Instead, you are spending a limited amount of energy focusing on issues that need some attention.

Instead of letting “worry” have an unscheduled, unlimited amount of your time, you have allowed a specific amount of time to be used improving your life!

Again, I guarantee that you will see a dramatic reduction in the amount of time spent on unscheduled worry during the day (and night).  Your mind knows that you need to spend time on these activities.  When you allot this time, your mind is more relaxed and it doesn’t need to force these thoughts upon you.

And, even better, when such thoughts pop into your mind now, they will be productive and bring solutions.  The process of focusing on a problem for a specific period and then setting it aside has tremendous power.  It organizes your unconscious mind, which works on possible solutions while you’re doing other things.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the solutions come forth into your conscious mind.

Problems never solve themselves:  You need to worry in a healthy way and you will find a solution.  Just as we have to focus on our happiness and our family and our health, we also need to focus on our problems.

You will never be without problems.  But you can be without excessive, unnecessary worry.  Allow yourself time to work on your problems and you’ll have a much more restful mind throughout the day.  Because you’re worrying enough—and not too much.

Part of me wants to say that I’m not running away.  But the truth is, I am.  As a part of modern society, a piece of me feels a little guilty about “abandoning” my family, friends and work and all the chores that need to be done around the house.  This is particularly acute since my retreat comes in the early part of December.  I’m also abandoning putting up lights, shopping for gifts and holiday parties. However,  perspective helps (as it always does).

Sometimes we need to “run away” from everything. To retreat is to withdraw, to enter seclusion.  Is the holiday season a bad time for a retreat?  Maybe.  But when is it a good time?  Maybe the holiday season is the perfect time to step back, take time for yourself and plan for the next year.

There are many benefits to be gained from a retreat.  The most obvious are Rest and Relaxation.  On the most recent retreat I attended, the leader asked people as they were gathering together whether they’d taken time for a nap.  “What’s the point of going on retreat,” he asked, “if you’re not going to take a nap?”

Many people find that it takes time–twelve hours or more–to quiet themselves and leave the world outside, and to focus on being away from it all.  And then the end comes too quickly.  We are a society completely deprived of quiet time and solitude.  Going on a retreat forces solitude upon you and then you become hungry for it.  With luck, you incorporate quiet time into your life.

Retreats are also a time for thinking and planning and goal-setting.  Who am I?  What’s my purpose here on Earth?  What do I want to do?  How do I get there from here?  Focusing is very difficult without time to relax.  On a retreat you will have time to think; time to straighten out problems; time to plan for the future; time to put thing in perspective.

And perhaps time to respond to a subtle call from God.

There are many kinds of retreats.  The first step in finding a retreat that’s right for you is to consider

What’s your goal? What kind of retreat are you looking for?

Once you begin considering what you want from a retreat, you can start looking for one that’s right for you.  How do you find one?  Most retreats have some religious or spiritual component, so the first place to look is at the office, at your church, synagogue, or temple.  There may be flyers or advertisements on a bulletin board, or someone may know who to call.

You can also search on the Internet.  If you put the words “retreat” and your city/county in a search engine, you’re likely to come up with something.  A few sites that can help you find retreats almost anywhere are:

Just remember that these are NOT comprehensive listings.  Almost every county in America has many retreat opportunities.  You just have to look.

Can you create your own personal retreat of one?  Of course.  As you might imagine, I encourage this.  But it is best to go on a guided retreat (especially a silent one) before you create your own personal retreat.  They will provide you with hints and tips, and probably some good readings, that will help you see the full benefits of a retreat.

Then you can “run away” whenever you need to.

The fist situation is Disneyland.  Mickey Mouse can have all the money he wants.  When we’re at Disneyland, I’m happy and relaxed.   My daughter is totally wired, bouncing off the walls, and hyperventilating with fun.  So, lunch is $29 for three people?  No problem.  $50 for a sweatshirt I’ll wear twice a year?  Sounds like a bargain.

And all this is after paying for hotel, airfare, and admission to the park.  Somehow, Disneyland sucks you in and makes you feel that everything is okay.  You’re happy, relaxed, energetic.  Your attitude is positive and troubles have a tough time getting your attention.

You might replace Disneyland with Maui or some other place.  But the idea’s the same.

The other time when I open my wallet freely is during times of stress or emergency.  Something bad has happened and I need to make the problem go away as soon as possible.  As a consultant I see this all the time.  When people have an urgent need, they are willing to pay more.  I can’t count how many times I’ve heard a client say “Is there any amount of money that will get this done faster?”

Perhaps the perfect example of this is shipping a package.  You might pay a low price for “ground” shipping, but a much higher price for 2nd-day.  Overnight is a lot more.  Overnight by 10AM?  Much much more.  I once witnessed a man pay $50 to have a dozen donuts shipped overnight to his mother.

So, when do we open our wallets?  At the extremes.  We are willing to spend money when we’re happy and content or when we’re overwhelmed and frustrated.  In both of these situations your spending habits will be less rational than normal:  You won’t shop prices and you won’t make good decisions.  And yet one of these situations is clearly preferable to the other.

We’d all rather open our wallets to Mickey Mouse than to the repairman.  Why?  Because we’re in control.  At Disneyland, we are making all the choices.  We’ve planned to be there.  We’ve made decisions and set aside some money.

In an emergency or stressful situation, of course, we feel that we’re not in control.  Even if we get to make all the decisions, we feel trapped–we feel like we don’t have “real” choices because we don’t have the choice of walking away and not dealing with the problem.

So, what can you do to improve your attitude, choices, and effectiveness during emergencies and times of stress?

First, spend more time in the happy and content state.

You’re first reaction is probably “Easier said than done.”  True, but you control a great deal about your attitude and your reaction to situations.  You can choose to avoid being overwhelmed and frustrated.

One of the great benefits of meditation is that you learn to take a few breaths and relax, calm yourself, and focus on what’s going on at this moment.

When I first started taking yoga classes, I had an instructor who finished the class with a relaxation exercise.  We would all lie on the floor, eyes closed.  And she would say “This place is always available to you.  Come here when you need to center yourself and relax.”  At first I thought she meant the yoga studio.  (I’m pretty slow sometimes.)

By “this place” she meant the place of relaxation.  But to have relaxation available to you on “short notice,” you have to practice.  Being able to take three breaths and relax yourself takes practice.  You need to do it every day when you’re not stressed out.  Get to know how it feels.  Be comfortable with that state.  Then you can call on it as needed.

Second, when emergencies (or other stressful situations) happen, remember to stay calm.  Stop and think about your resources.  One of the great causes of stress is the belief that “I don’t know what to do.”  In reality, we usually do know what to do but we’re too anxious to think straight right away.  Again:  Relax . . . Focus.

Third, don’t be too shy to ask for help.  Most of the time we don’t need help and we get out of the habit of asking for it.  When we do ask, we are pleasantly surprised at the great response we receive.  How many times have you seen people “come out of the woodwork” to help?  Friends, relatives, and even casual acquaintances are their for you to rely on.  You’re not alone!

Fourth, communicate.  In stressful situations, you need to divide people into two groups — those who are close to you and those who are not.  Chances are very good that those close to you will also be affected by the stressful situation.  Let them know what you’re thinking, engage them in solving the problem, and reassure them that you’ll get through it together.  “Others” will be less directly affected.  They may be more useful at accessing resources and giving a more balanced view of the problem.

As with anything else, you need to practice the skills of stress management before they are needed.  Practice relaxing and focusing.  Practice asking for help and communicating.

And spend more time at Disneyland!

We all have excuses for not doing exercise.  The more people I meet, the more excuses I hear.  Yet, I’ve notice something:  The people who do exercise regularly have just as many reasons not to exercise as the people who don’t exercise regularly.  In fact, people who exercise regularly seem always to be discussing how their shoulder aches or that knee surgery slowed them down.  They have shin splints and bad backs and various maladies that could be used as an excuse to avoid exercise.

Those people also have something else:  A sense of why they should exercise.  Exercise is one of the most basic, fundamental elements of success.  No matter how you define success, you will need a working physical body to achieve it.  You can certainly get rich and be fat.  But success doesn’t mean getting rich.  Success means attaining your goals.  That means you need some balance in your life (you have to focus enough to know what your goals are and to move toward them).

And to enjoy your success, you need a body that works.  One of my favorite modern philosophers is Dr. Dean Edell (see Healthcentral.com).  I call him a philosopher because he has a consistent, moderate, rational approach to health.  He likes to put in perspective the news we hear about living longer.  If we can extend the life expectancy of Americans by some period of time, he says, we need to consider the quality of that life extension.  Are we living another three months in a hospital, hooked up to equipment that keeps us alive?  If so, is there value in extending life expectancy?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could extend your life and know that you’ll be upright, active, and reasonably healthy for that extended period of time?

At the turn of the millennium, I told my daughter Victoria (then age 8) that she had a real chance of seeing and remembering three centuries–the 1900’s, the 2000’s, and the 2100’s.  All she had to do was live to be 108.  If you think about the advancements in medicine, being 108 years old in the year 2100 seems quite reasonable.

Then she asked me if people might live to be 140 by that time.  I told her I thought they could.  At least some people will live to be 140 years old.  So she told me that I could also see the year 2100 if I worked at it and took care of myself.  So, now I have to exercise for two reasons:  She’s going to be mad at me if I don’t live to 140, and I want to be ambulatory and able to enjoy it!

You may not have a goal of living to be 140, but you should have the goal of being healthy while you’re here on earth.  You’re excuses are worthless.  There are people with all kinds of maladies who exercise regularly.  If you’re reasonably able, you need to exercise more than them.

Some people use the excuse that exercise is expensive, but you don’t have to spend any money at all.  There’s an old fella in my neighborhood who jogs in basic khaki shorts and a button-up shirt.  He doesn’t even spend the money for a pair of exercise shorts!  But he jogs many miles every day.  He looks like he’s in his sixties, but he’s probably in his eighties.  He won’t even spend $15 on a t-shirt, but he exercises regularly.

Exercise is pretty straight-forward:  Move your body more and you’ll live longer.

I’m no Charles Atlas.  In fact, if you met me on the street you’d probably never guess that I exercise at all.  But I ride the stationary bike and I do yoga.  I have lots of excuses why I can’t run or play racquetball anymore.   I can do something and I try.

If you have to boil success down to a few basic elements, exercise has to be on the short list.  If you reach your goals and find yourself bedridden (or dead), you haven’t really achieved anything at all.  You have to take care of your frail human shell because you’ll need it to be in good shape no matter what you achieve.

I take Bikram-style yoga classes several times a week.  This is a special type of yoga consisting of 26 poses in a hot room (about 100 degrees).  Each class takes 90 minutes.

A few weeks ago I was in a 6 AM yoga class.  About half way through, the instructor said to me “I’d like to see a little more effort there, Karl.”

My first thought was, “Hey!  I got up in the middle of the night to be here for a 6 AM class!  I’ve done 45 minutes of strenuous exercise and I’m about to do another 45 minutes of strenuous exercise!  In a room that’s 100 degrees!  There are only four other people here!  I’ve already put out the effort.”

After a little reflection, of course, I had a different perspective.  All those things were true.  But, after all, I was there to exercise.  And I’d gotten up in the middle of the night to go to a 6 AM class in order to do myself some good.  So I actually had many reasons to put in a little extra effort at that moment.

The lesson is simple:  You have the ability at any moment–at every moment–to put out a little extra effort.  When you find yourself in a meeting you want to escape, or at a cocktail party you can’t handle, or performing a dreary task at your desk, that’s the moment to focus on your success.  You are in the situation:  Make the best of it.  Put out a little more effort.  Then move on to the next moment of your success.

In the same vein, you have the power, at every moment, to take a breath and consider whether your first reaction to a situation is the reaction you wish to exercise.  You experience your life one moment at a time.  Being aware of that, and experiencing it at a conscious level, will give you many more opportunities for success.

So, let’s see a little extra effort out there.

Jenifer Landers (http://www.fullyexpressedcoaching.com/) is my life coach. She helps me with business and personal challenges. Because of all the changes going on in my life this year, she has talked to me about leaving space in my life for people and things to “show up.” For example, my daughter graduated from high school and will be going to college in the Fall. Yikes. That will leave a big space for me to fill.

Or, if you think about it, I don’t have to fill that space. I could just leave it open for awhile to see which opportunities arise.

Another wonderful person I work with is Kelli Wilson. Kelli recently published a book: The Clutter Breakthrough (See her blog). In this very powerful book, Kelli does NOT go through a “plan” to clean up the clutter. Instead, she looks at the root causes of clutter. Her argument is that people have painful experiences in their lives, and they fill up their lives with something in order to avoid the pain.

Some people fill these spaces with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, or any number of other things. The goal is not about the alcohol (etc.), but about coping mechanisms that keep them from having to experience the pain or the emptiness.

Analogy: Nerves

There’s a great medical device called a TENS unit. TENS stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. A TENS unit operates from a 9-volt battery. It creates tiny electrical impulses and has pads that are attached to your skin. For example, if you have muscle spasms in your back, a doctor might use a tens unit to block the pain.

The electrodes are taped to the body near where the pain is.

Inside your body there are large nerve fibers and small nerve fibers. Of course these nerves carry pain signals. Well, actually, only the small nerve fibers carry pain. The TENS unit sends tiny electrical impulses down the nerve fibers. It floods the nerve fibers with these harmless impulses. Once the nerves are “filled” with these harmless electrical impulses, the pain signals cannot travel through the nerves.

This is a great analogy for thinking out the spaces in your life. Space might left because of a true loss: A death, a divorce, the loss of a job, or having a child leave home. Similarly, if you have a space that’s filled with pain, you need a mechanism to either stop the pain or at least take your mind off the pain.

And so the coping mechanisms we develop help us to 1) Fill empty space in our lives, and 2) Avoid dealing with the painful spaces in our lives that we’d rather not address. Just as a TENS unit fills the nerves with electrical impulses that keep the pain from getting through, we can use a variety of behaviors to fill our lives with *something* that’s better than the nothing or the pain.

Whether the space is empty (for example, loneliness) or filled with pain, “coping mechanism” are always a short-term solution. Coping mechanism might help you get by today and tomorrow. But longer term, you need to find more permanent solutions.

In the case of pain, the most important goal is to stop the cause of the pain. In terms of emotional pain, the cause is probably YOU and not whatever you think the cause it. Yes, the original cause of the pain was very real. But the ongoing cause of the pain is probably your willingness to continue dwelling on it. Counseling, prayer, and meditation can help you understand the pain and diminish it over time.

But you need to be aware that that process will leave a space where your “old friend” pain used to be.

In the case of loss or loneliness, you will also have an empty space.

No matter how this empty space comes about, you need to find healthy ways to fill that space. But I really encourage you to take some time filling the space. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to leave spaces in your life and not give in to the urge to fill them with “stuff” (physical stuff, activities, hobbies, bad habits, etc.).

Daily quiet time can be an extremely powerful tool to help you with this process. Whether you use it for meditation, prayer, or some other means of being away and clearing your mind, the very fact that you spend time considering your life will help you to work on the spaces in your life.

You may legitimately decide that you want to take up a new hobby, buy some clothes, or do whatever. But with daily contemplation about where your life is going, you will have a much healthier perspective for examining your options.

You may also find that you’ve managed to create a great deal more contentment than you had before.

:-)

She asked her mother “Do they ever buy two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not,” said the mother, “Why do you ask?”

“Well,” said the little girl, “back there I saw a grave stone that said ‘Here lies a politician and and honest man.’”

:-)

People who do examine their lives, who think about where they’ve been, how they got here, and where they’re going, are much happier people. No one has all the answers and no one’s life is free from trouble and strife. Yet their are those who have some sense of where they belong in the universe also have a context for understanding how all the elements of their life fit together.

If there are two people, one with a map and one without a map, who has the better chance of reaching their destination? The one with the map, of course.

When you set aside time to examine your life,

You get to choose your destination; You get to set the goals;

You get to determine the path; You get to decide how long it will take;

You get to decide whether you’re on the right path or the wrong path.

In other words, you begin to know your self and to take control of your life. You decide who you want to be and begin to become the person you want to be.

The hardest thing about examining your life is getting started. You have to sit your butt in a chair and get used to not doing anything. Just relax. Focus. Well, you understand . . ..