Not too long ago I was speaking to a group about automating social media. I mentioned that I post to Twitter with socialoomph.com, and that Twitter feeds Facebook and LinkedIn. I also schedule newsletters in advance, as well as some blog posts.

My humorous line was that, if I died, no one would know it for a month.

That was on a Friday. Monday, my friend Jim Locke passed away. I found out about it Tuesday morning. Monica had been at my presentation and emailed me a note that someone should make sure his feeds are stopped.

My own Facebook wall is an embarrassing collection of news and chat that mixes up the sad news with everyday posts. I put up a heartfelt note about Jim, and less than half an hour later an automated promotion for a podcast was posted. Then someone popped in and posted an interesting news article link about the Myth of Multitasking. Then an automated “Relax Focus Succeed” meditative thought for the day posted.

I will never forget the day my father died. I was in Michigan (he lived in Washington State) in grad school. I remember wandering around the campus overwhelmed with sorrow. And I thought to myself “Don’t these people know that everything’s changed? Don’t they know the world is different?”

But they didn’t know. The world keeps turning. Life keeps going for the living.

Facebook is a wonderful combination of personal and professional. A mix of friends, associates, business connections, and strangers. It’s a big, buzzing, busy world of thoughts and pictures and videos.

It’s really a lot like life.

And sometimes there’s great sorrow.

It’s an interesting thing that Facebook keeps on chugging away, even in times of great sorrow.

No disrespect is intended. But there’s a strange kind of “in your face” feel to it.

My friend Kari Hagensmith wrote a book called The Girlfriend Will. It gives advice from one woman to another about all the things that need to be taken care of on the personal side when you die. It is somewhat light hearted, but also very thoughtful.

You want to close down the social media accounts. But you also want someone to clean out your computer history, certain drawers, and boxes around the house. The online component is only part of it. But as technology marches on, the online component will become more and more of what we need to tend to when someone passes away.

I am sad for my friend Jim. But he will be remembered in large part for being a driving force in creating communities – online and off. So managing his online presence upon his passing makes perfect sense.

:-)

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Recently I found myself in two very different settings that resulted in similar, uncomfortable results. Both were business networking and “master mind” settings of truly amazing people.

In each setting the following scenario played out:

- People were given the opportunity to ask a room full of experts to help them with their businesses. Name any problem with your challenge and we’ll all brainstorm about how to help you.

- More than one person in this situation simply falls into a daze. “I’m not sure what to ask for. I wish people really understood the value of what I bring.” This was then followed by a stammering, flat sales pitch about their business.

- Some people are very excited to have the opportunity for feedback, but are simply lost about what they want.

- – - – -

It’s true in business and in your personal life: You can’t GET what you want until you can ASK for what you want. And you can’t ASK for what you want until you KNOW what you want.

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed and feeling “lost,” it can simply be a reflection of what’s going on at a deeper level. We know we can get up every day and do what we did yesterday. But that just continues the surface-level activities. It may not reflect the important decisions and beliefs that are changing at a deeper level.

When your day-to-day activities no longer align with your underlying values and vision, you begin to feel that some thing’s not right. But you can’t describe it, explain it, or even ask for help. You can’t ask for help because you haven’t figured out what’s wrong and what you want to do differently.

Think about it like the earth’s crust. Every day it’s pretty much like yesterday. But underneath the earth’s mantle there’s all kinds of activity. It changes all the time. And sometimes those changes have to work their way to the top. The earth shifts and groans. A minor earthquake here, a volcano there. The crust changes so that it sits more comfortably on the changing mantle. Then things settle down for awhile.

Quiet time allows your brain to start making these connections between the “new” changing you under the surface and the conscious you that has to get up tomorrow and live on the surface.

We all change all the time. Period. You can’t NOT change. But you can choose to ignore it and pretend it’s not happening. Or you can spend some time thinking about what’s going on and tuning into the changes that take place constantly.

Once you’re in tune with change, even if it’s unexpected or uncomfortable, you can describe where you are, where you want to be, and then ASK for help to get there.

And change is constant.

So you need to keep thinking about life and goals and happiness. Otherwise, the ground will have shifted again.

:-)

 

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The Japanese have two words – Honne and Tatemae – that describe recognized social behaviors.

According to our friends at Wikipedia:

“Honne refers to a person’s true feelings and desires. These may be contrary to what is expected by society or what is required according to one’s position and circumstances, and they are often kept hidden, except with one’s closest friends.”

“Tatemae, literally ‘facade,’ is the behavior and opinions one displays in public. Tatemae is what is expected by society and required according to one’s position and circumstances, and these may or may not match one’s honne.”

The honne/tatemae concepts are very powerful in Japanese culture and represent the long-held desire to minimize conflict in public. These concepts are not unique to Japan, of course. We all feel conflict between our “public selves” and our private needs and desires.

At some level, this distinction between your personal desires and your public duties is very natural. After all, society itself exists because people are able to set aside some of their personal desires in order to bind together into a larger community. Where people become too self-centered, society falls apart. Where people become too community-centered, they lose individuality. As with everything else in life, balance is needed.

I am a big fan of the DISC profile for evaluating personality traits and helping to build the teams I work with. One of the key elements of the DISC tool is that it attempts to identify one’s natural tendencies as well as the behavior that one plays in the workplace. This distinction is very important because stress causes us to retreat back to our more natural (personal) personality. For example, a naturally shy person might be very outgoing at work on a regular day. But on a day filled with stress, that person’s shy tendency will be a lot stronger.

All too often, we only know someone in one context (work, community, play, school, etc.). As a result, we are most likely to only see their Tatemae side – the face they put on in public. This is even true of most co-workers. It is very important that we remember that the people around us have deeper, more complicated lives than what we see. Of course we already know this, but we tend to not think about it.

This whole concept is very interesting to me because it is central to the Relax Focus Succeed philosophy that stress is caused in large part by the gaps we create between the various roles we play. Ideally, you can be the same person at work, at home, at school, and in a community or church setting. But, in reality, we play different roles and bring different pieces of our personality to each of these.

This is not dishonest by any means. It is very natural. You might need to be analytical and precise at work, but you can be very loving and cuddly at home. Neither of these is dishonest, but simply two roles you play, each allowing you to draw on different traits within yourself.

Stress comes when you find yourself playing two dramatically different roles, one much more natural and comfortable than the other.

Think about your life and the roles you play. Are there other (better) roles you could be playing to reduce stress?

:-)

 

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Do You Worry Enough? Part 3

This is the third and final installment of the series that started here with “Do You Worry Enough?

Worry brings benefits.  That sounds odd to us.  Let me rephrase it:  Spending time thinking about problems brings good things into our lives.

There are two types of “focusing” on problems.  The first is to open your mind and let the problems flood in.  Perhaps focus is the wrong term.  This is more like out-of-focus.  Sit down with a pencil and paper and relax.  Take a few deep breaths and try to clear your mind.  Think about nothing.  Focus on the way your breath feels moving in and out.

Relax.

If you have things to worry about, they will interrupt your relaxation.  As a “worry” presents itself, write down a brief note (not a long paragraph).  For example, you might write

- College Savings

- Business partner

- Ad revenues

- Etc.

Don’t pass judgment, don’t try to solve the problem, don’t get into details.  Just list your worries.  Set yourself a time a do this listing for ten or fifteen minutes each day for a week.  I guarantee that by day four you will be a lot less worried at night or when you’re concentrating on something else during the day.  Why?  Because your mind has been allowed to spend some time on the things it knows you should be thinking about!

The next step is to focus more clearly on your problems.  For the next several days spend your 10-15 minutes sitting comfortably and “organizing” your problems.  You may want to sort the list into categories such a family, finances, employees, etc.

Then spend a little time writing a bit of detail about each concern.  For example:

I’m worried about college savings for my kids because I’m starting late.  I wonder what college will really cost.  What’s my goal?  How do I get started?  Who can help me?  I need to talk to my spouse about this.

Set yourself a strict limit on this activity.  No more than 30 minutes a day!  You’ll be amazed!  It will give you energy.  Worry will stop draining your energy.  And as you focus on the problem you will naturally break it down into smaller pieces that are much more manageable.

This, in turn, will lead to taking actions that address the problem.  In other words, you’ll be working on a solution!  What you’ve done is to stop spending your energy trying not to worry.  Instead, you are spending a limited amount of energy focusing on issues that need some attention.

Instead of letting “worry” have an unscheduled, unlimited amount of your time, you have allowed a specific amount of time to be used improving your life!

Again, I guarantee that you will see a dramatic reduction in the amount of time spent on unscheduled worry during the day (and night).  Your mind knows that you need to spend time on these activities.  When you allot this time, your mind is more relaxed and it doesn’t need to force these thoughts upon you.

And, even better, when such thoughts pop into your mind now, they will be productive and bring solutions.  The process of focusing on a problem for a specific period and then setting it aside has tremendous power.  It organizes your unconscious mind, which works on possible solutions while you’re doing other things.  And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the solutions come forth into your conscious mind.

Problems never solve themselves:  You need to worry in a healthy way and you will find a solution.  Just as we have to focus on our happiness and our family and our health, we also need to focus on our problems.

You will never be without problems.  But you can be without excessive, unnecessary worry.  Allow yourself time to work on your problems and you’ll have a much more restful mind throughout the day.  Because you’re worrying enough—and not too much.

“Do not anticipate trouble,
or worry about what may never happen.”
– Benjamin Franklin

:-)

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Do You Worry Enough? Part 2

Last time we discussed “Do You Worry Enough?” We started by framing a workable definition of the word worry.

Now we know what worry is.  How much worrying is the right amount?  That’s difficult to quantify.  I believe we need to think about the problems in our lives enough so that we understand them.  Notice I didn’t say that we need to “solve” the problems.  If a loved one is gravely sick, there’s little most of us can do to “fix the problem.”  We’re sad, perhaps depressed, maybe scared.  We have a flood of conflicting emotions that we “don’t have time for” or otherwise wish to avoid.

In such a circumstance, we need to force ourselves to sit down and think about what’s going on.  Let the emotions flood in; become overwhelmed; have a good cry; say a prayer; and then go back to our routine for awhile.

It may be necessary to do this every day for some time.  We need to let ourselves feel the feelings we’ve been trying to avoid.  We need to let all the aspects of this experience come out.  It’s difficult and physically draining.  But you need to let yourself experience what’s going on.

Some problems you can solve, but right now you don’t see the solution.  For example, financial problems.  Too many bills, or not enough income, or an unexpected expense.  It’s all too overwhelming, so we set it aside.  Intellectually, we know the problem will just get worse.  But it’s “just too much” to think about right now.

The answer, of course, is to consider all the pieces of this problem:  Your income, your regular bills, your credit, possible sources of loans or other income, payment plans, and so forth.  This is definitely a problem that can be solved.  It requires a lot of thought; it requires a plan of action; it requires some change in behavior; and it requires asking others for help.

These are just a few examples.  In each case the amount of “worry” (thinking about the problem) required is the same. You need to think about it enough to understand the problem.

Oddly enough, most of us spend more emotional energy avoiding our problems than we would spend understanding them if we tried.
Reducing Worry

You can reduce the amount of “worry” in your life by taking time to relax and simply reflect on what’s going on.  If you take time every day to sit down and relax and focus on yourself, you will find these problems a lot less overwhelming.

I try to sit down every day and reflect on four aspects of my life:

- Myself as an individual

- Myself as a partner in a romantic relationship

- Myself as a father

- Myself as a businessman

I rarely make lists of what needs to be done or what problems need to be addressed.  I simply think about what’s going on and what I need to do today.  If there’s a problem in one of these areas, or with something else, I let my mind consider it.  I don’t look for solutions or answers.  I do try to consider all aspects of the problem.  The goal is to understand everything about the problem.  When I think I really understand the problem, then it becomes clearer what I need to do.

Worry brings benefits! More about that next time.

:-)

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Just as There’s Good Stress,
So There’s Good Worry

There’s a lot of “universal” advice out there. The always-present everyone says don’t smoke, exercise more, eat your fruits and vegetables.

One piece of universal advice is to stop worrying, or at least reduce the level of worry in your life. After all, we have plenty to worry about—Money, our children, our parents, our spouse’s happiness, a long list of problems at work, even the health of our pets.

Worrying, we are told, adds stress to our lives and focuses on the negative. It keeps us awake at night, gives us ulcers, and is bad for the economy.

I think that’s all a bunch of baloney.

Worrying is natural. In moderation, worrying is good. There’s something wrong with people who don’t worry enough!

In the big scheme of things, there are a few people who worry too much (some tiny percentage of the population). They have intriguing phobias that become fodder for news stories. This condition (worrying too much) is so rare that most people only learn about it from afternoon TV talk shows.

There is much more of a problem with people who don’t worry enough. Think about this. What’s your image of someone who doesn’t worry about what other people think, doesn’t worry about social norms, doesn’t worry about paying his bills or insuring his car, doesn’t worry about keeping himself clean or being responsible for his own actions? The picture in my mind is a person who is completely irresponsible, who has made a mess of his life and others, and who has left it up to other people to fix his messes.

A handful of these people make it to adulthood without changing their ways. Most, however, go through a long painful process of paying their debts, raising their children, having to work hard, and becoming responsible adults. At which point they find themselves worrying a normal amount—just like the rest of us.

Worrying is a fundamentally good behavior.

As with any other behavior, there is a great benefit to be gained by:

1) Examining the behavior

2) Learning to control the behavior

3) Focusing the behavior

4) And integrating the behavior into our overall understanding of ourselves.

Thus, the behavior–worrying–becomes one more important piece of our success.

Let’s look at three aspects of worrying

– What is worry?

– How much worrying is right?

– How can we focus our worry in order to reap its benefits?

By “worrying” we generally mean that we are thinking about something; the something is usually a problem that needs to be solved (e.g., “Where will be get the money to . . .”) or a concern about future events (e.g., the health of a loved one); our mind wanders back to the something whenever it has the opportunity; and we find ourselves thinking about the something when we don’t want to.

Thus we find ourselves worrying while we try to sleep or while we’re driving, but not when we’re engaged in a project that requires our full attention. For example, work keeps our mind off our troubles.

Interestingly, most people “try not to worry.” In practice this means we try to not think about our problems. But our unconscious mind knows that the problem needs to be addressed. So whenever our mind isn’t busy with something else, the thing we should be thinking about pops up to get its share of attention.

What are you trying to avoid addressing in your life? Why is it that humans think some problems will go away if you ignore them?

Don’t think about the roof and it won’t leak. Don’t think about your teenager’s risky behavior and it will stop. Don’t think about your relationship problems and they’ll all smooth out.

Baloney! You know it’s not true.

We have problems we want to avoid: We know we should think about them but we don’t want to. One way that we avoid thinking about problems we don’t want to think about “right now” is to spend time on a hobby or on busy work.

Have you ever noticed that our hobbies tend to be rather technical and detailed? Whether it’s carving or needlework or gardening or making things or whatever. Our hobbies fill our minds and are distractions. This is good–in fact it’s extremely good for our mental health–unless we’re using it to avoid thinking about a problem that needs to be addressed.

Let’s face it, we have problems we embrace and we have problems we avoid. Those we embrace are labeled “projects” and those we avoid are labeled “worry.” And the only substantive difference is whether we’re ready to address the problem.

- – - – -

“One of the wisest men in Des Moines tells me that he has kept track of the 50 principal things he’s worried in the last ten years, jotting ‘em down at the bottom of the pages in his diary in green ink. He finds that not one of them actually happened; but they bothered him just as much as if they had.”
– Harlan Miller

:-)

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One of the things you have to remember about work is that it is NOT your life. It can be an important part of your life. It can be extremely fulfilling. When there’s stress at home, going to work can be a relief. And when there’s stress at work, going home can be a relief.

But don’t forget that these worlds can be combined. I firmly believe that you should have friends from work, and be able to work with friends. I personally find a great deal of happiness combining my work and personal lives and keeping a big, black line between the two.

I am me. I’m the me at work. And the me at work is the me at home. And I would love for all the important people in my life to know each other, hang out together, and someday have a great big party.

On a related note, remember that your friends from various pieces of your life can be resources for all the pieces of your life. You don’t have to just ask “friends” about friend stuff and “co-workers” about work stuff. Even when people don’t have specific experience with something, they can bring a new, fresh perspective.

In meditation and Zen practice, there’s a concept called Beginner’s Mind. Beginner’s mind means that you approach something with an open attitude even if you have a lot of experience. This is very important when you’ve been doing something a long time. You can build little ruts at work, at home, in the community, and so forth.

Beginners always have beginner’s mind because they don’t know the history of your problem, your business, your relationship, etc. They take a fresh look without knowing all the stories you tell yourself around the topic. They don’t know what can’t be done. One of the reasons that young people come up with so much innovation is that they don’t know what can’t be done.

One of the ruts we dig for ourselves is to go to the same people for advice on the same topics.

I recently had a problem at work. I could not talk to the people at work about it. And since it involved someone close to almost everyone in my mastermind group, I couldn’t talk to them about it. But I wasn’t stuck! I have friends from all over the world, in different professions. I have relatives. I have an amazing girlfriend.

In other words, I have a complete support system. 99% of the time, I don’t think of them as a support system. I don’t go through life gathering people around me to support me. But on the day that I need advice, these people are all there to support me.

With my recent problem, I had one key point that was stuck in my head and I couldn’t find the answer. I had had many casual conversations with friends, co-workers, and others. Finally, a friend’s name popped into my head. I sent him an email and asked for 15 minutes of his time. Later that day he called me . . . and turned on the lights so I could see the problem more clearly.

I wouldn’t say he “solved” my problem, but he made me understand that I’m not alone and a whole industry works to solve this problem.

In this case, I called on someone I don’t normally rely on for advice. And he was the perfect person to contact.

No matter what you’ve got going on, you’ve probably got a whole team behind you waiting to help. They’re not paid advisors, for the most part. They’re the normal people in your life. And they have a lot to offer.

:-)

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Not too long ago I found myself in two very different settings that resulted in similar, uncomfortable results.

In each setting the following scenario played out:

- People were given the opportunity to ask a room full of experts to help them with their businesses. Name any problem with your challenge and we’ll all brainstorm about how to help you.

- More than one person in this situation simply falls into a daze. “I’m not sure what to ask for. I wish people really understood the value of what I bring.” This was then followed by a stammering, flat sales pitch about their business that no one understands.

- Some people are very excited to have the opportunity for feedback, but are simply lost about what they want.

We all need things. In our personal lives, in our community involvement, and in our business lives. We need advice. We need help. We need each other.

But we also need to know how to ask for what we want.

The chances that you will get what you need without asking for it are pretty slim. The world is full of wonderful, helpful people. But it’s just a statistical improbability that someone is going to give you exactly what you need if you can’t even ask for it.

So where do we get stuck? I believe it is rare that we know what we want and can’t find the words to express it. That means the sticking point is a step back from asking: We are stuck because we don’t know what we want. We might know vaguely but not in a precise way that can lead to actions.

For example, you might know that your business is going in the wrong direction. But how can I help you? If your request is, “I want my business to be more successful,” there’s not much I can do to assist you.

If your request were more precise, then I might be able to help. For example:

- “I need to reduce accounts receivable”
- “I need to figure out which marketing is working”
- “I need to determine the right price for a new product”

Each of these is specific enough that someone could actually offer up assistance.

Figuring out what you really want (so you can articulate it for others) is not particularly difficult. But it does take some effort. Once again, I highly recommend sitting quietly and focusing each day on the things that are important in your life. This daily meditation or quiet time can work miracles for you.

Once you can clearly tell the world what you need, the world can begin working to help you get it. You have probably heard the theory that the world conspires to assist you as soon as you decide to do something. Well, one piece of what’s going on there is that YOU are seeing opportunities more clearly because you’ve articulated goals for yourself.

We all want things. We all need things. And we all need to learn how to ask for what we want.

:-)

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How do you feel about being incompetent? Honestly: Is it good to be incompetent?

I say yes!

I was reading a book recently and one section was about how no one wants to be seen as incompetent. One character in the book was having a crisis of incompetence.

That got me thinking about the times when I have felt the most incompetent. In every case it had to do with a new job or a new role. On my first day, or preparing for my first day, I felt incompetent.

The truth is, I’m NOT competent in most things. The same is true with everyone. At any given time, you are only competent in a few things. They might be related to your job, your hobbies, or the roles you play (parent, spouse, friend, sibling, etc.).

What are you really great at? What are you a little bit good at? Okay. Well, you’re not good at everything else! We are each incompetent about almost everything! And it’s okay.

The reason we feel particularly incompetent in a new job is that we have taken on something and we want to be good at it. So often we find ourselves saying “Well I asked for it!”

You only feel incompetent when it involves something at which you want to feel competent. In other words, the self-awareness of incompetence comes hand in hand with a desire for excellence.

In my life there have been two examples of incompetence that stand above all the rest: My first day as a teacher and my first day as a father. As it turns out, I did a pretty good job in both endeavors.

As a teacher, I had lots of reasons to feel competent. I had credentials, degrees, and many years of experience learning the subject I was going to teach. I was even given guidelines, sample course outlines, reading lists, and all kinds of resources to help in my success.

But I had never done it. I had never run a class for a semester. I had never graded papers or managed a classroom. I had never dealt with assigning deadlines and sticking to them.

And on and on. I had experienced good and bad teaching as a non-teacher.

As a new parent I felt even more incompetent. I had two great role models with my own parents. But I knew nothing about how to do this job myself.

Unlike teaching, I had very little “education” on parenting. I had read a lot about pregnancy and childbirth. My wife and I felt reasonably confident that the birth would go well. And in the final analysis, my role was primarily that of a supporting partner. I didn’t have to eat right, get sick, go through dozens of doctor visits, or do any of the pushing on the day of delivery.

But once my daughter Victoria was born, I was a full participant in the process . . . for the rest of my life.

I remember being particularly struck by the fact that they let us just leave the hospital with this new, tiny baby. “Don’t they know how incompetent I am?”

Of course with parenting, this feeling of incompetence continued for . . . well . . . 18 year so far! I feel more competent in many areas. But every new parent-related challenge has been a first.

The reason we feel so acutely incompetent in some areas in that these are the things that are most important to us. We feel the lack of competence precisely because competence is so important to us.

When I look at the complexity of an aircraft engine, I don’t feel incompetent. But I certainly am. It is overwhelming and annoying and almost miraculous to me. But I have no desire to be good at designing, fixing, or doing anything else with aircraft engines. So while I am supremely incompetent, I don’t feel incompetent.

We need to keep things in perspective. Remember, you only feel incompetent when you seek to be excellent. Incompetence is really a reflection of your desire and commitment to excellence. Being aware of your incompetence is the first step on your road to something amazing in your future!

:-)

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Pain is a very interesting thing for humans. All of this applies to physical, mental, and emotional pain.

We develop “mechanisms” for dealing with pain. One simple example is to move slowly or keep our back straight in order to avoid the pain of a spasm.

Another mechanism is to simply forget the pain of the past. Some women say that the only way they would have a second child is that they were able to let the pain of the first childbirth fade away. It’s not that you forget it altogether, but it fades into the background.

Many of us know how debilitating back pain can be. But when your back feels fine, it really feels fine. And then when you have a problem you remember how bad it can get.

For several years I walked with a cane due to the pain of my rheumatoid arthritis. My pain was in my hips, and it made me feel unsteady to walk. Gradually, slowly, over time I used the cane less and less as the inflammation of my disease reduced.

A few months ago I moved to a new apartment. In packing, I came across my cane. It was a real revelation for me that I hadn’t thought about the cane for many years. “Oh that’s where that is.”

Little things like this help us understand that we need to be grateful for the positive changes in our lives. As the pain fades, it’s easy to forget the pain. But from time to time we need to remind ourselves that we’ve moved beyond the pain. Remember the victory and the growth, even as you recall the pain.

There’s a healing component to remembering the pain without reliving it. This is especially true of mental or emotional pain. Stand above the pain of the past and observe it from above. See it, watch it. Don’t feel it and don’t dwell on it.

Prop the mental cane against the corner and leave the pain where it belongs – in the past.

:-)

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