CAT | Humor
Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?
A: Don’t look I’m changing!!
Did you here about the man who divorced his wife for using four letter words?
Little Joey was an only child and enjoyed being the center of attention. So he was quite jealous when a little sister arrived.
Some time later, his parents sat him down and said that now that little sister was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.
“It’s no use,” said Joey. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”
“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Anon.
Pastor Jim was driving along one day and saw a little boy trying to reach a doorbell. He stopped the car and got out to help the boy. He pressed the doorbell for him and said,
“Now what do we do?”
“Now,” the boy said, “we run!”
A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top.
Mother: “Why did you pour out the whole box?”
Daughter: “The box says, ‘Do not eat if the seal is broken.’ I’m looking for the seal.”
A couple brought their newborn baby to the pediatrician for its first checkup. The doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, the man said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” the doc replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” the father asked.
“He looks just like you.”
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight.”
The man replies, “I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!”
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
The next night the same man walks back in, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first paycheck!”
With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, “You mean they’re gonna PAY me too?”
If a spider is in a corn field, does it make cob webs?
Every now and then, we all enjoy a good laugh. Some jokes hit us straight-on and make us laugh out loud. Some build on the last and make us chuckle all day.
I love humor because it’s good for my health. It makes the old endorphins flow. It improves my attitude. It gives me something to share with others. It improves my life.
One of the best humor lists I subscribe to is the Good Clean Funnies List or GCFL. Here’s a sample of a recent email from that list. Note that they are running their annual fund-raiser to keep the list going. The list is free and supported by donations.
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Do you enjoy GCFL? If so, please consider a small donation to help keep things running. Please visit http://www.gcfl.net/donate.php for details.
College Football Jokes
. . .
Why do Nebraska football players like smart women?
Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee?
Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.
. . .
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests.
The Vol said, “I want to hear
Rocky Top one last time.”
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests.
“Yes, shoot me first!”
A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Texas fan.”
The first man says enthusiastically, “Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?”
The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio
The guy replies, “Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?”
The scrawny man says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it five times.”
How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.
What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And they each get three credits.
University of South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, “You’re failing math. If you don’t want to become academically ineligible, you’ll have to answer these math questions correctly.” The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him, “What does 4 plus 4 equal?”
“Eleven,” says the athlete.
The rest of the team pleads, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
Spurrier then asks, “What does 2 plus 2 equal?”
The receiver says, “Four.”
The rest of the team yells, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
. . .
What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player’s life?
Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can tackle.”
The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?”
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast.”
Saban then said, “Can you pass a football?”
The kid thought for a second and said, “Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.
You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Aggie fan…twice.
What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A man asks his friend, “Did you hear about the 22-year-old babe who married the 93-year-old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding.”
The friend says, “A football wedding?”
“Yeah, she’s waiting for him to kick off.”
The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, “My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together.”
. . .
What do you call 20 Ohio State fans lying on the lawn?
. . .
Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.
What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player?
Would you like fries with that?
What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man.”
The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”
Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State?
Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?
Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard?
Put up a goalpost.
. . .
A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?”
The Trojan said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years.”
What do Penn State football players call the elderly?
What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
. . .
When do Florida State players NOT run up the score?
When they are taking their SATs.
. . .
A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he
wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado.
. . .
If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.
. . .
Received from Artificial Turf.
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