CAT | Humor
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it; Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”
I was curious, so I bought a paper, and said, “Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”
The newsboy ignored me and went on yelling, “Read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”
:-)
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Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He’s a magician.
Teacher: What’s his best trick?
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: Do you have any siblings?
Student: Yes. I have one half-brother and two half-sisters!
:-)
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“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
:-)
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Why was the glowworm unhappy?
Because her children were not very bright!
:-)
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A bit of perspective for you:
People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. Consider this:
Marry the right person, and you’re complete.
Marry the wrong person, and you’re finished.
:-)
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A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?” he asks the barman.
“Of course,” says the barman.
“Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.”
:-)
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1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
8. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas.
9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
10. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
:-)
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Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful. She was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone.
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No, you had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
:-)
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A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.
Then he looked down at the boy who smiled broadly and yelled, “Now run like crazy!”
:-)
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