Reality is an interesting concept. Sometimes I think I’m the master at being mis-understood. Why? Because I work a lot with people who aren’t like myself. They interpret the world differently than I do.

Reality has three components:

- Events, actions, or statements
- Context (other things going on more or less at the same time)
- Interpretation

The most important of these is the last: Interpretation. This is true because the interpreter takes the input and the context and “translates” these into her reality.

Notice, also, what’s missing: Intention. The intended reality is important to the person who wishes to be understood, but plays no direct role in whether or not he is understood.

- – - – -

A few months back, my daughter moved away to college. So I moved out of the big, big house into a small apartment. In the big, big house I had a walk-in pantry that was larger than the entire kitchen in my apartment.

The first time my daughter came to visit, she looked at some Cup-a-Soups on top of the refrigerator and said “Oh my God, are you living on ramen noodles?” I said NO, I just didn’t have any other place to put them.

The next time she came to visit I had just been shopping. There were some granola bars on the kitchen counter. And she said, “I hope you’re not living on granola bars.” No. Of course not. But the cupboards are full and I don’t have any place to put them.

You see, my reality didn’t really figure into her perception of my reality.

I always think it’s interesting to contemplate how we all interact with one another even though we have completely different understandings about how the world works. Sometimes it’s a miracle that we “communicate” at all.

As I mentioned, I always lose the battle of relying on what I *intended* someone to see or hear. I didn’t mean to insult you, but I did. I didn’t mean to suggest something, but I did.

The only salvation I have on this front is that, over time, people learn that I’m well-intentioned. So when something could be interpreted more than one way (in their opinion), they begin to give me the benefit of the doubt. Whew!

Just remember that we’re all interpreting our world. And we don’t always realize it.

So try to be generous and kind as you translate your environment into meaningful information.

Most people are well-intentioned most of the time. Assume so and the world will be a better place.

:-)

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The human mind is a very interesting instrument. It is programmed a little every day by every action we take and every decision we make. One of my favorite quotes is . . .

“Habit is a cable; we weave a thread of it each day,

and at last we cannot break it.”– Horace Mann

That sounds like plain old habit-making. But it goes deeper than that. Think about how you define yourself. Are you a mother, a father, a sister, a child, a spouse, a student, an employee, a manager, a business owner?

Or maybe you’re a parent whose kid went away to school. Or a grown-up who still has scars from childhood. Or a newly-divorced person trying to get used to being divorced.

Maybe you’re torn between who you used to be and who you’re becoming.

We all define ourselves by the roles we play. Not just the things we are but the things we have been. Our lives are a combination of the past and the present. And, of course, we combine these with our hopes and dreams to build our future.

I recently learned about a woman whose house is filled with memories of her past. Painful memories of family members who have died. “It’s like a shrine to the past,” I’m told. But not just a happy past, a past that represents loss and sorrow. This woman defines herself not only by her past but by what she’s lost.

I myself have tried to fill my place with happy memories. Artwork I enjoy; Pictures of my daughter at various ages, growing into a woman. I like to think I spend my time dwelling on the present and the future. But I am product of my past.

My friend Kelli Wilson has written a great book called The Clutter Breakthrough. Kelli coaches people through problems with clutter — clutter so bad that it cripples their ability to lead normal lives.

Kelli’s approach is simple but powerful. When people have an empty place in their lives, or a place filled with pain, they tend to “acquire” things to fill that place so they don’t have to think about it. They fill their lives with activities, collectible toys, knick knacks, shoes, and anything else that keeps them from thinking about the pain.

In some sense, these people are “stuck” between the past and the present. There is no future for them until they get un-stuck and figure out how to move on. Kelli helps them deal with clutter by helping them address the underlying causes of the clutter.

I think it’s very important to acknowledge the past . . . to hold on to the sweet memories. At the same time, I think we need to work to get past the tough times. You might think that this is a blatant double standard: Remember the good times and forget the bad times. But it’s not quite that simple. Let me put it this way:

- Acknowledge your past, both the good and the bad
- But don’t define yourself as your past (good or bad)

It can also be crippling — or at least paralyzing — to be stuck in a happy past. There’s more happiness today and in the future than there is in the past. It’s a real, live, vibrant happiness that’s much more fulfilling than shadowy memories of happiness.

Let me give you a very personal example: After 20 years together (19 of them married), I find myself divorced. Perhaps some day my ex-wife and I will be “friends” again, but not today. We’re not un-friendly, but we don’t share the comfortable, close conversation we once did.

A few months ago I bought one of those electronic picture frames that scrolls through hundreds of pictures that you load into it. I loaded several pictures in there that include my Ex. Why? Because she has been — and always will be — a major part of my life. Even if I live to be 100, she’ll still be the mother of my only child. We had many years and many happy adventures together.

I could (easily!) focus on all stuff that brought our marriage to an end. But I choose to dwell on the positive.

And that’s key. I don’t forget the bad stuff. But I choose to not define myself by the negative experiences. I accept that they are part of my past.

At the same time, I don’t define myself as the happy husband either. That’s part of the past and it needs to stay there. Both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today. I shouldn’t forget that. But I also shouldn’t dwell on either one of them.

It is extremely important to live in the present and focus on the future.

Like any other “muscle” we exercise, our brain can be trained. We can work to create the habit of accepting the past without dwelling on it. We can work on the habit of focusing on the present and interpreting our world in a positive way. And we can work on looking forward to a wonderful future. These are all habits we can create from the ground up.

Yes, your situation might be special. Your past might be horrible and you might have allowed yourself to get “stuck” there for years. Or your past might be so much better than the present that you want to spend your time there.

But there is no future unless you leave the past, move into the present, and begin creating your future. You can begin this process today, tomorrow, and every day. You can reset the process and begin again if you find yourself slipping into the past. Just like any other exercise, you can start over any time and it will serve you well!

You can choose to be defined by your past. Or you can choose to define yourself anew everyday. You can even define yourself as your future . . . and then run to make it come true.

The choice is yours.

:-)

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Here’s a strange thing to ponder: Do ideas have value?

We (humans) are intellectual beings. We think. Most of us think a lot. So even if we’re driving down the road or mowing the lawn, our brains are busy cranking away on something.

We take that for granted. But not all creature are this way. I recently drove nine hours through the middle of California. Of course, along the way, I saw cattle, sheep, and horses in the fields. Not to put down our furry friends, but they don’t have a lot of ideas. Cows ruminate (They are ruminants, after all), but they don’t really think the way we do. And even horses, which are pretty smart, just stand in one spot for hours.

I don’t expect these animals to design hospital equipment or anything like that. But clearly they don’t have brains filled with new ideas all the time.

No, ideas are a very human thing.

And we tend to place high value on ideas. It is not uncommon for someone to utter, “That’s a GREAT idea!” We cheer each other on when we share good ideas. Someone else’s good idea can make your brain start clicking away. That’s what “brainstorming” is all about.

I am lucky to have lots of ideas all the time. And even luckier to hang around people who have lots of good ideas all the time. I love living the world of “what if” and “Hey, why not.”

But sometimes people get frustrated with me.

“When are you going to do that great thing you talked about?”

“I’m waiting for my . . . [insert great idea reference]!”

And I do the same thing.

“If you don’t hurry up and do that, I will!”

My friend Allen Fahden has developed a model for how our creative minds work. He argues that most people have a very strong “Creator” element in their make-up.

I believe that’s true. But it leads to a startling conclusion: If creativity is available everywhere in large quantities, then it might not be very valuable!

Because we all love creativity and great ideas, this just seems wrong. How can an abundance of ideas be without value? Is there a supply and demand equation for creativity?

Let me add one more element to the mix: Good ideas vs. Great ideas.

We have often heard it said that the best design doesn’t always win, the best system is not the best-selling system, the best “whatever” is not necessarily the most commercially successful.

That is often true. And here’s why: Ideas are necessary but not sufficient for success.

To be successful, an idea requires two key actions. First, it requires execution. Second, it requires a plan of action.

Execution is the most important element in success. In fact, it is more important than a great idea! Why is that? Because great ideas are a dime a dozen. Execution is rare. Millions . . . Billions of ideas die every day because no action is taken. Ideas are cheap. Ideas that are acted on have potential.

An idea without action is completely worthless, no matter how great the idea is.

A Plan of Action is also critical because doing “something” may not guarantee success. Actually creating a plan to move things in the right direction takes a lot of time, effort, and energy. It takes a different kind of creativity. And it takes sitting your butt in a chair with a pencil and piece of paper.

Creating a plan of action is part of execution. I separate them because you can also get stuck at the planning stage and still never actually do the thing you say you want to do.

People who execute are critical to your success.

People who create plans are critical to your success.

People who create ideas are also critical … but they’re easily replaced!

- – - -

By the way, Al is a member of my Mastermind Group. What a wonderful group of people. We can create more ideas in an hour than the population of North American can execute in year. Luckily, we also hold each other accountable for taking action and making things happen.

:-)

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Last month I was on an interesting podcast with Stuart Crawford (see The Orange Files) on Work-Life Balance.

Stuart mentioned that he occasionally declares “email bankruptcy” and deletes all the email in his in-box. And guess what? 99.99% of it no one cares about. People don’t panic. The world keeps spinning.

Too often we assume that something in our in-box is there for a reason and therefore requires some of our attention. But it might be there for NO reason and require none of our attention. You give up some freedom and power when you let someone else decide what you should put your focus on.

I recently moved. Ugh.

I moved from a 2700 square foot house with a three car garage to a 900 square foot apartment. For weeks I was focused on getting out of the old house. So that left me living among piles of boxes at the apartment. When I found a place to sit I was frequently looking up at the top of the pile.

Of course one of the good places to throw stuff is on the counters in the kitchen. So my kitchen was stacked high with boxes and loose junk.

One day I decided to tackle the kitchen. When my daughter came home every counter top was bare except for essentials like the coffee maker. It was truly usable space. She asked me what I did with all the stuff. I said I’d thrown it all away.

She paused a bit. The she said that she knew how much I hated the mess, and that it is very believable to her that I threw it all away. So she asked whether I had thrown it away or found places for everything to live.

Does it matter?

Does it matter whether I have one pitcher or two? Or six?

Does it matter if my shelves are full or empty?

Does it matter if my walls are covered or bare?

Unfortunately for my staff, I sometimes take this attitude to work. If your filing hasn’t been done in six months, I say throw it all away. If you had filed it, what would that matter? So it sits in a box for seven years and then you throw it away. What’s the penalty?

One of my favorite analogies of life is the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Ark of the Covenant is packaged in crate and filed away in a massive warehouse filled with other crates . . . and the message is clear that it will be saved forever and never seen again.

My filing system isn’t like that. Well, it’s not intended to be. When I’m not moving, I am pretty good at finding exactly what I need and never losing things. Part of the reason for that is that I’m also good at just throwing things away.

I always encourage people to prioritize tasks from highest to lowest and work on the highest priority tasks. This is pretty common sense advice. But I go a step further.

When all of your high priority items take up all the time you have for the foreseeable future, delete all your low priority items. Really. You are never going to get to them. Ever. And that’s okay. Stop pretending that you’ll get to them when you know you won’t.

“Stuff” fills our lives. But it doesn’t necessarily fill our lives with goodness and love and happiness. Sometimes it just fills us with “stuff.” If you get rid of the generic stuff you’ll have more room for the goodness and love and happiness.

Just a thought. File under . . . wait, don’t file it at all!

:-)

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President Obama just completed a ten day vacation with all the media speculation and nit-picking that goes with any Presidential activity.

I know the media have to fill web sites, radios news shows, TV news hours, and newspaper pages . . . But sometimes they cover things just because they have nothing else to do.

Presidents have to constantly look like they’re working all the time for a number of reasons. First, we have a culture that expect important and successful people to work all the time. Second, of course, our nation has a lot of problems and we want our president to be working on them!

At the same time, we all know that it’s critically important to take time off, to recharge our batteries, and to enjoy ourselves.

My guess is that the President’s Day Off involves at least four hours of meetings and work. And, truth be told, the personality of someone who manages to become President is such that four hours of work per day feel LAZY! So for that personality type, four hours a day is a real nice, relaxing mix.

But the President is no different from the rest of us when it comes to relaxing: Sometimes you have to force yourself to STOP working. Sometimes you have to work on your hobby, sneek a few hours with a good book, or wear yourself out with some outdoor activities.

I don’t want a world leader who can’t relax, recharge the batteries, and take a fresh look at the problems of this country or the world!

In January I heard a lengthy radio discussion about Mr. Obama taking four weeks vacation in 2009. My first reaction was thank goodness! I don’t want stressed out, overwhelmed president with his finger on the button!

But let’s turn the conversation around. When was the last time YOU took a vacation? How many days or weeks did you really relax in the last year?

If the President of The United States can do it, then you can certainly find time to do it as well. You don’t have to have a stress-filled tour vacation: Just a few days off here and there. Relax. Enjoy your life. Take time for you.

When I travel (sometimes I travel a lot), I always try to add one or two days to the trip. I want to get there a day early and see the sights. And sometimes I go somewhere on the way to my final destination. These might not be your classic vacation, but so far this year I’ve spent “extra” days in Las Vegas (twice), Nashville, Columbus, Oh, New York, Orlando, New Orleans (twice), Reno, San Francisco, Portland, and Chicago. That’s about 25 days total (through August).

Plus I’ve plenty of things around my home area of Northern California.

For me, it is more relaxing to not take a big long vacation and do it all at once. But I build mini-vacations into my work life and personal life style.

It keeps me sane and helps me focus!

:-)

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My delightful daughter turned 18 this month and will be graduated from high school at the end of next week. And like everyone else, she has had a series of adventures that brought her to where she is today.

Over the Memorial Day weekend she had an interesting experience that represents an odd milestone for both of us. I went to a technology conference in New Orleans. She needed to find her way to another city, 150 miles away, check into a hotel, and take a two day class.

The organization paying for all this did not make the correct reservations and she had to fix a travel glitch at the last minute. So Daddy jumped in (from across the country), made the hotel reservations and paid for the room. In some sense you can say “what’s new?” but the whole thing is new.

My new reality is that my girl is going off into the so-called real world. We will rely on me when needed. That will become less and less frequent as time goes on. At the same time, she’s at that delightful stage of life when the most mundane things are an adventure. I don’t remember the last time driving three hours to stay in a Travelodge was an adventure for me. :-)

It was nice that she called me. She had a good class and a good adventure. She was a little scared in the hotel alone. But it was a very safe city and a very safe hotel. So in the end it was mostly an adventure.

Now she knows the glamour of travel! She also knows that she can do this again and what she would do differently.

In the meantime, I have a taste of what remote worrying is like. I guess when she goes off to college I’ll be doing more of that. I also need to get used to the new reality.

- – -

It is always good to slow down and take note of these milestones, no matter how small unimportant they are.

In this case I recognize that Victoria is mature and capable. I fully expected this to be as uneventful as it turned out to be. But a little “proof” of her maturity was very nice to see.

There is a sweet sadness in helping my only child to leave home. So far we’re both holding up well.

:-)

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There are two primary ways of looking at your life. Actually, either you look at your life or you don’t look at your life. Everyone does each of these some time. A few people examine their lives all the time. A few people never examine their lives.

But almost all of us are in the middle. We spend most of our time only thinking about our lives a little bit. Then from time to time we go through a stage of thinking about our lives obsessively. In other words, 80% of the time we think about our lives 20% of the time. And 20% of the time we think about our lives 80% of the time.

I have had two incidents recently that brought this into focus for me.

First, I have a great life coach named Jenifer Landers (see Fully Expressed Coaching). One of her constant themes is to leave an opening for something to happen. Leave an opening for someone to enter your life. Leave an opening for good things to occur. Leave an opening, leave an opening, leave an opening.

Then I hired two people in my business who have the profiles of really great leaders. And it didn’t take long before they were volunteering to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I heard lines like “Well, I can do that tonight. I have time available between 11 o’clock and midnight.”

The first thought that pops into my mind is . . . If you don’t leave an opening in your life for a personal life to show up, then it never will.

There is an assumption among many people that your personal life is the time that is left over after all the business and commitments are taken care of. But if you really want to have a personal life, you need to set aside time for it to happen. Whether it’s playing a sport, collecting something, or going out into the woods to have a good time, you need to put it on your schedule!

There are certain things in this world that expand to take up all the space available. Work can be like that if you don’t set boundaries around it. I try to leave work at 5:00 PM every day. I’m rarely there at 5:30. There is enough work to do. I could stay until midnight every night, work seven days a week, and never catch up.

And what would be the point of that? What would I have at the end of every day except another day just like the one completed? When I hear people say “I have no personal life” all I can think of is how they put themselves in that position. If you don’t make time for a personal life it certainly won’t show up on it’s own. Even if you don’t know what to do with yourself, that’s okay. Set aside the time and see what you want to do!

Workaholism kills.

Besides, you’re a much more interesting person when you have more than one dimension.

:-)

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I loved my father. And one of the things I loved the most was his sense of humor.

One time we were driving across country from our old home in North Dakota to our new home in Washington State. Alongside the freeway were telephone poles. Mile after mile. Hundreds of miles after hundreds of miles.

Whenever we drove alongside railroad tracks, there were short telephone poles. I don’t know if they were telegraph lines (this was the 1960′s) or whether the train companies just used short telephone poles because they didn’t have to deal with buildings.

It didn’t matter. My father had a great explanation. I asked why the telephone polls were short and my father immediately explained: “They’re for when children make phone calls.”

Even at the time I realized how very funny that is. In addition to being a great explanation, close enough to believable to get a kid thinking, it was also a fast answer. I appreciated my father’s quick wit.

And more than 40 years later I still think that’s funny.

We travelled 1100 miles. And I remember one joke plus coloring books in the back of a station wagon.

After all these years, the interesting conclusion is very unexpected. The conclusion is that you never really understand a transition until after it’s complete.

I have a few memories of visiting North Dakota, but no strong memories of when I lived there. Once we moved to Washington State I remember a lot — even a lot about our first year there. Somehow that trip was a big enough event that it became a transition from “too young to remember” to a series of memories I savor many years later.

How can you understand the road you’re travelling without reflection? The truth is, you can’t. At the same time, there isn’t any other road. You can’t stop being on “this” road and begin being on a different road. The most you can hope for is that you build the road in front of you and create your own detour.

You can be on any road you want. But you have to start from where you are today.

The good news is that you build your road every day and you can be lazy (going nowhere) or purposeful (heading where you want). In terms of meaning, it’s hard to force meaning into your daily journey. You can try, and you should try, but evaluation of such things always involves looking backward.

When I consider all the great memories of my father, I didn’t know at the time that those moments would be the moments I would keep forever. Looking back, just less than half of my life’s journey involved travelling the road of life with my father. And now they’re powerful snippets filled with meaning for me.

Changes can be hard. Transitions can be hard. Building a detour you didn’t want to build can be hard.

But every day you can look at where you are and where you want to go and head in that direction. Life goes on. Memories are powerful motivators. At the same time, you need to be vigilant. You never know which tiny thing you experience today will become a lasting memory you’ll have forever.

It helps to sit quietly and let you life’s experiences sort themselves out in your mind. For that I recommend daily reflection, or a walk/jog without headphones. Spend time being alone with yourself without an outside source of distraction.

:-)

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I live in a little court. That’s what they call a dead end built after 1990.

We have seven neighbors on the court. We moved into the court in 2003. All of our neighbors have lived here longer than us. That’s pretty amazing considering the house buying/selling frenzy that preceded the housing crash.

Anyway, as is common in newer home developments, I have a little patch of lawn on the right side of my house and a little patch of lawn on the left side of the house. Same with all my neighbors. Because the court goes in a circle, it doesn’t matter how big your back yard is: The front yards are pretty small.

So when I mow my front lawn, I go ahead and mow the patches of my neighbors left and right. It takes an extra five minutes, even with a reel mower. Over the years we’ve all developed this habit. It takes very little effort; we never talk about it; but everyone does it.

And every once in awhile it comes back to me how delightful it is to have good neighbors.

Yesterday I spent most of my time in the back yard. In fact, I only went out in the front yard after dark to help my daughter put some things in her car.

So today I went outside to go for my morning walk and found a wonderful present: My entire front yard was newly mown and all the leaves picked up! Apparently, yesterday, both of my neighbors took care of their yards. And tuned up mine as well.

I was struck with how nice it is to live in a community. Sometimes, especially at this time of year, we find ourselves going from one crowd to another. Crowds at the game. Crowds at the restaurant. Crowds at the store.

But a crowd isn’t much of a community. Communities develop from interactions between individuals. A little give and take. A little giving without taking. And sometimes a surprise when you’re on the receiving end of simple generosity.

So on this bright Fall day as Winter approaches, I am thankful for my neighbors and our little community.

:-)

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A few posts back I talked a bit about how the sender and the receiver each affect the messages that pass between them.

If you haven’t read John Gray’s book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, you should. In addition to explaining some obvious truths about the species, the book is chock full of examples of communications gone bad.

The simplest phrase can get lost in the human communication process.

The sender and receiver each add attitude, mood, experience, and a dozen other factors to every communication we have. It’s one thing to try to communicate feedback. But innocent little phrases get miscommunicated just as easily.

“That’s a good job.”

“What does he mean? Don’t I always do a good job? I’m such a failure that you have to point out to everyone when I do a good job! You never tell anyone else that they do a good job: Are you getting ready to fire me?”

- – - – -

It would be convenient if everyone just believed every word you say with no interpretation or reading between the lines.

But, alas, they have a lifetime of their experiences, plus whatever personal history with you. These things create filters through which all communications take place.

This is true in personal relationships, business relationships, online communications, in groups, one-on-one, and in every other human interaction.

A few years ago our company decided to let clients know that we really appreciate it when they pay on time. As a small business, this makes a big difference for us. So we drafted a memo and sent it on its way.

Wow! What an uproar. Several clients called to complain. They’d always paid their bills on time. They didn’t need to be told . . . etc.

Others didn’t even notice the communication. They said it was like the generic pages full of notices that show up with credit card privacy inserts. In other words, it was meaningless communication.

So how do you learn to communicate with a variety of people?

Most of us do pretty well. But there’s only one way to be sure that your communication is successful: Ask.

That is, simply reflect back to the other person what you heard them say. I try to do this with clients, especially regarding action items during a meeting.

At the end of a meeting, say something like, “Here’s what I understand that we agreed on . . ..”

In conversation, try “I heard you say . . ..”
What ensues is a back-and-forth conversation that may be a little uncomfortable at times. After all, you’re going to express what you heard. The other person may well say No, that’s not what they said.

After a little back and forth, you’ll both agree on what was said and what you each want.

And the next conversation will be a little more comfortable.

It would be great if communication were always perfect, or at least easy. But you have to remember that everyone involved is human.

:-)

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