A regular customer walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight.”

The man replies, “I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first paycheck!”

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, “You mean they’re gonna PAY me too?”

:-)

 

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Phones haven’t been phones for awhile now.

Those who use their phones to make phone calls are “quaint” to the technorati that use their phones for buzzing around the world, twittering, Facebooking, searching, browsing, yelping, 4squaring, texting, and . . . well . . . everything but making phone calls.

I used to have a phone that was GREAT at texting and email. Oh, and phone calls. That used to be important.

Then I won a Blackberry at a vendor show. Knowing it was the future, I connected it up to my cell provider and proceeded boldly onward. Then I got addicted. The crackberry, as some call it, is as addictive as a drug. Email shows up amazingly fast, no matter where you are. The camera was great. Texting was fast and easy. It even (accurately) predicted text.

I loved everything about it.

So when it came time to get a new phone, I got a bigger, better, faster, cooler Blackberry. And with the Blackberry Tour I got even more addicted. It’s Facebook app was extremely powerful and flexible. The camera was as good as you could ask for. Texting was even easier.

And after two years with that phone, I had become one of the people who just doesn’t use the phone for phone calls any more.

The only real weakness of the Blackberry was it’s Internet connectivity. Slow. Microscopic. Impossible to use. And all services related to the Internet were also slow and unbearable.

In the meantime, almost all my friends had moved to iPhones and Droids. So when I got the chance to step up to a Droid, I did. Motorola Droid 3. Cool. Faster Internet.

The primary strength of the Droid is the fast Internet and related services. You can Google something, find addresses fast, and map right to a place. Super cool.

But . . . No addictive.

The Droid is clunky compared to the Blackberry. There was no premium placed on design here. Texting is slow and irritating. Voice recognition is cool, but you spend 25% of the time erasing. The interface is not intuitive, even for users of the older Droid systems. Battery life is very short.

Overall, the Droid 3 is poorly designed from an ergonomic perspective. Every time you touch it, you accidentally make something happen that you didn’t intend to.

The camera is “fine” but not great. The Facebook app is terrible.

Not only do I find that I text a LOT less, but I have virtually given up posting to Facebook in real time. These were two addictive features on the Blackberry.

Sometimes I leave my phone in another room, or in the car, for five or six hours.

The addiction is over.

Maybe it’s good. I need a solid, sensible phone that works competently. I don’t need an amazing device that makes me long to hold it and play with it. I need to let the phone be a tool instead of a toy.

I could go back to the blackberry. And I know I’d be totally addicted again.

But the key things that make the Droid great — Internet browsing and applications — are the killer apps of the future. I’m told the next generation of Blackberry will address these. But for technical reasons about how Blackberry works on the back end, I’m convinced that their days are numbered.

So I have given up something I truly love in order to use the technology that will eventually win the day.

And I’ve learned that an addiction can be overcome.

:-)

 

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If a spider is in a corn field, does it make cob webs?

:-)

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Every now and then, we all enjoy a good laugh. Some jokes hit us straight-on and make us laugh out loud. Some build on the last and make us chuckle all day.

I love humor because it’s good for my health. It makes the old endorphins flow. It improves my attitude. It gives me something to share with others. It improves my life.

One of the best humor lists I subscribe to is the Good Clean Funnies List or GCFL. Here’s a sample of a recent email from that list. Note that they are running their annual fund-raiser to keep the list going. The list is free and supported by donations.

- – - – - Begin – - – - -

Do you enjoy GCFL? If so, please consider a small donation to help keep things running. Please visit http://www.gcfl.net/donate.php for details.

College Football Jokes

. . .

Why do Nebraska football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee?
Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

. . .

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.

How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests.
The Vol said, “I want to hear
Rocky Top one last time.”
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests.
“Yes, shoot me first!”

A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Texas fan.”
The first man says enthusiastically, “Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?”
The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”

A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio
State joke?”
The guy replies, “Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?”
The scrawny man says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it five times.”

How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.

What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?
Drool.

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And they each get three credits.

University of South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, “You’re failing math. If you don’t want to become academically ineligible, you’ll have to answer these math questions correctly.” The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him, “What does 4 plus 4 equal?”
“Eleven,” says the athlete.
The rest of the team pleads, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
Spurrier then asks, “What does 2 plus 2 equal?”
The receiver says, “Four.”
The rest of the team yells, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.

. . .

What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player’s life?
Freshman year.

Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can tackle.”
The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?”
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast.”
Saban then said, “Can you pass a football?”
The kid thought for a second and said, “Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.

You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Aggie fan…twice.

What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand.

A man asks his friend, “Did you hear about the 22-year-old babe who married the 93-year-old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding.”
The friend says, “A football wedding?”
“Yeah, she’s waiting for him to kick off.”

The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, “My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together.”

. . .

What do you call 20 Ohio State fans lying on the lawn?
Fertilizer.

. . .

Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.

What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player?
Would you like fries with that?

What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
Visitor.

A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man.”
The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”

Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State?
Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
He missed.

What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?
Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard?
Put up a goalpost.

. . .

A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?”
The Trojan said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years.”

What do Penn State football players call the elderly?
Coach.

What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

. . .

When do Florida State players NOT run up the score?
When they are taking their SATs.

. . .

A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he
wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado.

. . .

If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.

. . .

Received from Artificial Turf.

–
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:-)

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Not too long ago I was speaking to a group about automating social media. I mentioned that I post to Twitter with socialoomph.com, and that Twitter feeds Facebook and LinkedIn. I also schedule newsletters in advance, as well as some blog posts.

My humorous line was that, if I died, no one would know it for a month.

That was on a Friday. Monday, my friend Jim Locke passed away. I found out about it Tuesday morning. Monica had been at my presentation and emailed me a note that someone should make sure his feeds are stopped.

My own Facebook wall is an embarrassing collection of news and chat that mixes up the sad news with everyday posts. I put up a heartfelt note about Jim, and less than half an hour later an automated promotion for a podcast was posted. Then someone popped in and posted an interesting news article link about the Myth of Multitasking. Then an automated “Relax Focus Succeed” meditative thought for the day posted.

I will never forget the day my father died. I was in Michigan (he lived in Washington State) in grad school. I remember wandering around the campus overwhelmed with sorrow. And I thought to myself “Don’t these people know that everything’s changed? Don’t they know the world is different?”

But they didn’t know. The world keeps turning. Life keeps going for the living.

Facebook is a wonderful combination of personal and professional. A mix of friends, associates, business connections, and strangers. It’s a big, buzzing, busy world of thoughts and pictures and videos.

It’s really a lot like life.

And sometimes there’s great sorrow.

It’s an interesting thing that Facebook keeps on chugging away, even in times of great sorrow.

No disrespect is intended. But there’s a strange kind of “in your face” feel to it.

My friend Kari Hagensmith wrote a book called The Girlfriend Will. It gives advice from one woman to another about all the things that need to be taken care of on the personal side when you die. It is somewhat light hearted, but also very thoughtful.

You want to close down the social media accounts. But you also want someone to clean out your computer history, certain drawers, and boxes around the house. The online component is only part of it. But as technology marches on, the online component will become more and more of what we need to tend to when someone passes away.

I am sad for my friend Jim. But he will be remembered in large part for being a driving force in creating communities – online and off. So managing his online presence upon his passing makes perfect sense.

:-)

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This is not a blog about sex. It’s a blog about life. About balance. About all the things that make you a happier, healthier, more productive, more successful person. Well one of the best things you can do for yourself is to develop a happy sex life.

At some level, pretty much everybody “likes” sex. What’s not to like? But, all too often, we get busy. We’re tired. We approach it at the end of the day, the end of the week. It’s easy to put off. And then it becomes an occasional thing instead of a regular part of life.

I encourage you to chat with your mate and make sex a higher priority. In fact, a high priority. In addition to being a core element of bonding between two people, sex is a shared experience unlike anything else. It is, literally, unique.

Wanting sex is not bad. It’s biological. Having sex is not bad, as long as it is among consenting adults. What you do and how you do it can be a lifelong exploration.

And women: Please believe me that men take sex very seriously even though we love to joke about it. Monogamous sex with a dedicated partner is a huge turn-on for men. I’m not sure who writes movie scripts and TV shows, but I suspect they have deep emotional scars and very bad sex lives!

Be Sex-Healthy

If you want to see the latest research on the health benefits of sex, just Google “Sex Is Good For You” and read the results. Web MD is one of the best sites on the Internet. Start there. But also look for several articles on Ten Health Benefits of Sex or Seventeen Health Benefits of Sex, etc.

One specific article that caught my eye was Ten Surprising Health Benefits of Sex. Anyway, do your research. Here’s some of what you’ll find:

Sex lowers your blood pressure.

Sex lowers stress.

Sex increases self esteem.

Sex is associated with lower diastolic blood pressure.

At least for women (haven’t seen research on men), hugging your partner lowers blood pressure.

Sex is directly related to increased levels of immunoglobulin A or IgA, an antibody that can protect you from colds and infections.

Sex burns calories. About 170 per hour. Can’t keep going for an hour? Well, just like any other physical activity, build up a little more each day. :-)

The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health reported that the frequency of sex was NOT associated with strokes. And that’s a large study done over 20 years. So no excuses there.

Sex two or more times per week can reduce the risk of fatal heart attack by HALF for the men. Haven’t seen a stat on women.

University of Texas researchers published an article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. They listed 237 reasons people gave for having sex. How many can you count?

Sex increases levels of oxytocin, a hormone that helps people bond to one another, feel trusting, and generous.

Even better, oxytocin increases the level of endorphins, which decreases the level of pain. Suffer from an injury or long term illness? Sex may be just what the doctor ordered!

And, of course, oxytocin helps you sleep better.

Sleeping better is a whole different subject with a long list of benefits. The point here is that sex is a good way to help you get the sleep you need.

The Bottom Line

If you’ve let your sex life slip, maybe right now is a great time to consider what you can do to get back on track. You might just live longer, be happier, sleep better, have less pain, feel more generous, lose some weight, feel better about yourself, and fall deeper in love with the one you love.

. . . Oh, and have fun, too.

- – - – -

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. You’re responsible for your own actions. Blah, blah, blah.

:-)

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I knew a farmer that turned the south 40 into a used car lot.

Now every year is a bumper crop.

:-)

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I love this passage from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

“We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses — one foot is on the horse called ‘fate,’ the other on the horse called ‘free will.’ And the question you have to ask every day is — which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?”

There are many pieces to this puzzle.

First, there’s the division of what you control and what you don’t control. And even within that, there’s a big piece that you could control if you knew how to control, but you can’t control because you don’t have the skills or self confidence. But still, the big division is between the things in life you might be able to control and those you never will be able to control.

It is worth spending a good deal of quiet time and meditation on the question of control. It takes great wisdom and experience to recognize the parts of life we can’t control. After that, it takes a lifetime to accept the limitations we discover. This isn’t really something you every “achieve.” It’s more like something you come to accept that you will always have to work on.

Second, there’s the question of worrying about those things we can’t control. No matter how much control you want over things, we all tend to worry about parts of our life over which we have no control. Some people see “the world” as being so powerful that they can’t control anything. These folks tend to accept that “stuff” just happens and they need to figure out how to deal with it. Other people try to control as much of the world as they can.

In some cases, this second group probably has a better sense of how much they really can control because they’ve explored the margins of what they influence. At the same time, they probably spend more time worrying about the world they can’t control.

One final note to think about: The world keeps changing. As you grow, have new experiences, and gain new skills, you can influence more of your world than you did before. But world isn’t the same as it was yesterday, last year, or ten years ago.

So, many of the lessons we’ve learned about control are no longer valid. We “know” about a level of control that simply doesn’t apply any more. Like animals walking past an opening in the fence, we stay on the path we know and don’t consider testing limits we’ve tested before.

Consider adding “control” to the list of topics in your daily meditations. It’s amazing how much of the world is different from what our experience has told us. We’ve changed and the world has changed. But our internal thoughts about the world may not have changed.

:-)

 

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Joe: “Say, whatever happened to that nice woman you were dating?”

Moe: “Things were going great until I told her about my rich uncle. Now she’s my aunt.”

:-)

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Last week I had a chat with my girlfriend Ronda about some changes to my business.

Like many of us, Ronda leads a busy life and can get caught up in the daily buzz, buzz, buzz. But in this instance, she showed me two very important lessons about important decisions.

I have a tendency to get worked up about an issue, formulate some alternatives in my head, and then ponder them for awhile. But once I make a decision, I stop considering alternatives and I push on towards my chosen path.

Well, last week I took an important decision to my local Mastermind Group. I wanted some feedback and advice. Afterward, Ronda asked me how things went. I started to tell her and she interrupted me: “Actually, let’s talk about that when we’re not in the middle of something else.”

Stop.

I was a little taken aback. After all, I was pretty excited about the topic, the feedback, and what I think I need to do with my business. Would we really come back to this? After all, I would like to hear her advice.

A few hours later (I think over dinner. Maybe over drinks.), Ronda picked up where we left off. “Okay. So tell me about your big discuss with the Mastermind Group.” I then proceeded to lay out my thinking over the last month, what I brought to the group, their feedback, and where I think I need to go next.

But I was keenly aware of what Ronda had done. First, she took my needs very seriously. She didn’t let me jump into a frenzied report when she wasn’t in a position to absorb the information and listen to me attentively. While it felt like being put off, it was really a respectful expression of her desire to give meaningful feedback. If she let me jabber on when she wasn’t able to focus, then she couldn’t possibly give me as much focus and attention as she would like.

Second, whether she realized it or not, Ronda had given me time to organize my thoughts and present them in some kind of meaningful order. Allowing me time to relax a bit and organize my thoughts allowed me to present my ideas with a little more perspective and precision than I would have been able to provide immediately after the group adjourned.

And then something else happened.

I proposed my rough idea of where I wanted to go with my company, and what the first few steps looked like. Ronda asked a few questions, gave some opinions, but didn’t endorse a course of action. A few days later, in a casual conversation, she said something to the effect of “You were so excited, I didn’t want to encourage you until you calmed down and had time to think about it.”

Wow.

Ronda realized something I didn’t: When I get excited, I have a tendency to start moving in that direction. I really need to follow my own advice and slow down. After all, when we’re excited about something, we tend to overlook or rationalize the downside. We haven’t looked at the finances. We haven’t considered “what else” can come into play. We haven’t considered the down side of the decisions we are about to make.

It’s funny. When we jump on a new idea, we have this tendency to get excited and want to rush toward it. But just when we’re most excited is the moment we most need to slow down and take our time.

A true friend won’t give you advice for a day or two. After you’ve had time to Chill Out, Cool Down, and consider the big picture.

:-)

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